"I'm angry with him"

One of my favorite movies is Pretty Woman. Many of you may know the part I am referring to in the title. There is a scene when Richard Gere and Julia Roberts are in the bathtub and he is talking about how it has taken him a long time to get to the point where he can say those words about his father, "I am angry with him." Every time I recognize something I'm doing either with or without thinking is coming from a place where the fires of fury burn, I think of this scene. Strange, I guess, but usually I take a deep breath, unclench, and think "I am angry with you."

I have written, read, talked and thought a lot about anger. What am I feeling? Who am I feeling it toward? What is the appropriate way to express it? Today with Karen we talked through my feelings that I've been ignoring. My anger with God. I've started to ask a few others who I trust about their feelings, their religious beliefs, their view once their spouse was taken, and I was struck by some of the differences. I think this is a time that I can feel comfortable exploring. That is a strange thing to think about if you have had a close personal relationship with your spirituality and never had to question things. I was very comfortable with what I believed before Mike was killed. Losing him initially caused my relationship with God, my comfort with religion and my belief to grow apart.

One difference that I have noticed is in the matter of trusting God. I often talked with Mike about how we trusted that God would bring him home. We believed that would happen with such strong conviction. When he didn't come home, I didn't know where to turn. I had done what I thought I was supposed to and it didn't work out. I held up my end of the bargain, and God let me down. How do I get that trust back. Several of the women I have discussed this with told me that they didn't necessarily believe that way. (hopefully I am correctly representing my friends here) Many said they hoped and prayed that their loves would come home, but they didn't really trust that God would bring him home safely. They were very real about the possibility that God had a different plan. This is something that has caused me to think, and I love hearing other's opinions.

So anyway, for now, I am angry with him. I struggle with what I believe. I am trying to sort through it.

Opening the flood gates...

I talked with a friend I trust deeply today and I said something I haven't said out loud at all. Now this may sound bad or incomprehensible, or good, or whatever but for all that I've been through and all that I'm going through and all the thoughts that constantly run through my head I had not said this.

"Hey I've been meaning to call you. I think you'll understand. Is it bad if I say that they are equal? Because it scares me."

I'm being very honest here, but I think I've come to a point where I've been taking small steps backward by keeping a lot in. I've been all hot and bothered about many things lately, and it's because I'm used to getting out, here or in my journal or talking with someone or whatever. All this has just been sitting inside.

When I met Nick, I was not looking for anyone. I didn't think I was ready, I didn't want to find someone, but I was lonely. 15 months without someone was just giving me a physical loneliness that I hadn't experienced. I was lucky (read: SO VERY LUCKY) that the person I met in this time was not a crazy psycho killer, stalker, or just a run-of-the-mill craziness, but instead was the (mostly) sane Nick. I was comfortable in the setting I met Nick. I was comfortable talking about Mike to Nick and after seeing his reaction, I was comfortable knowing that Nick knew Mike and experienced him as a person without knowing me. I believe I was open to the possibility of finding someone to be close to. That was really it, someone to be close to. Someone who somehow could understand even a minute amount of what I had felt and sympathized with those feelings. Someone to talk to and tell everyday things to. Someone to lend a little support.

Things progressed and I just flat out had a great time being around him. We had fun together, and I told very few people about him so that all I had to think about were the fun times we had. I knew I could have some fun. I didn't want anyone's opinion or thoughts and I didn't want to dive into more myself. Then we stumbled through telling my friends, his friends, some of "our" friends and my family. It really helped me to be open with Nick about what I was feeling. I have a natural instinct to bottle it in when I'm upset and hope that miraculously the solution will just unfold and things will be better. I fought this and told him when people reacted and made me mad, or sad. I explained to him the sticky stuff about always loving Mike, about feeling like I'm losing Mike, about worry that I affect people's opinion of him.

So back to my friend, she responded by saying that it may be the first time I let myself realize that truly one isn't in front of the other. That my love for Mike and my love for Nick are completely different, and that's OK. I've always had a difficult time remembering that as my relationship with Nick grows, that takes nothing away from my love for Mike. She reminded me of that. I was not given the choice to continue life with Mike or move in a different direction. I did not wake up one day and realize my love for Mike was gone. He was taken. And I woke up and realized that for me, I need to live a full life with another person. I am strong enough to live alone, and I am confident I could live a life full of purpose that way. I don't want to. I hate being alone in the way that losing Mike made me alone. Mike knew I hated being alone that way. The relationship that Mike and I had led to a connection between us and although we never discussed what to do if something were to happen, I know with everything in me he wouldn't want me to be alone. That may sound very cliche especially to people who have been there and heard others say things like this to you, but if I go past the cliche words and rely on the feelings I know behind them, I can feel the truth. I know he wants me to be happy, just as he always has, and be filled with as much as I possibly can.

We also discussed that the hope between all of us "widows" is that we support the decisions each of us makes for ourselves. We each keep the relationship alive in our memories, what it gave us, and what we took and continue to take from it, and support each other. I've been so worried sometimes about judgement-- but people judge everyday! The ones that matter to me are people who have done this, who have lived this journey in part, or who have lived with me in the past, who are in my life now. All of those people are so supportive of me and of where I am that I see there is no reason to worry. I see others choices as valid choices for them, all of them, and they see mine the same. That support (from widow friends, high school friends, college friends, military friends, etc.) is what makes it worth anything at the end of the day.

So, everyone, thanks for your support. You truly help keep me sane in this insane world :)

Unemployment is for losers

Ok guys, I think I'm over it. Officially I'm out of money, and bored through and through, and spending way too much time inside my own head. I need to be around other people. I've been telling myself that as I study for the GRE and try to clean up and clear out this place that I should be plenty busy, but I don't have any pressure to actually do it. As I was cleaning everything out I went through a stack of things from my last few jobs and I remembered what it was like to feel like you had a purpose. To be working towards something, to be refining a skill. To practice something, fail a few times and then make it work. To set goals. To work with people you look up to and want to be like, and respect. I miss that part. I miss the people that make the day go by. I miss the random things that would happen to make a day a day. I miss getting ready, hurrying through a day, coming home exhausted with other things still on your to do list, and finally sitting down on the couch exhausted. Weird things to miss I guess, but I do.

I've applied for a few things and we will see how it goes. The last time I job searched I applied for a bunch of stuff and then had trouble tracking what I had and hadn't applied for and why. This time I have applied for 3 jobs and I'm going to wait and see what happens. They are all part-time, and one is something I could do from home, regardless if I get the others or something else. We will see.

Wish me luck :)

Life throws you curves...

At least this one wasn't as bad as they've been in the past, but it had me scared shittless. Early Friday morning mom had a heart attack. After I hung up the phone with my dad assuring me he was ok and I could hear the helicopter if I listened closely (she was life flighted to a bigger hospital) I didn't move.

Nick said "did your mom just have a heart attack?"

"Yea."

"Do you want to go to the hospital now?"

"Um, dad said he'd call back when he knows more."

I curled into him and cried and he let me. I kept thinking I'm not ready. I'm not ready. The truth is it doesn't matter if we're ready. It doesn't matter at all, and it's pretty scary coming face to face with that knowledge.

In those moments after the phone call I wanted to give her everything I could, everything she wanted from me... A huge wedding, peach flowers, a band, baby's breath, lace, tulle, a litter of grandchildren and live in the house next door.

"Ok," I finally say, "let's go." We get ready and head to the hospital that is about an hour and 15 min from my place.

Once we get there we hear all the details and see my mom and dad and uncle. Mom doesn't look horrible and she walks me through what happened. She woke up at 3am and felt really crappy. She thought it was her anxiety, so did dad. She started sweating and her back hurt, dad tried to calm her down. Then she told my dad her left arm hurt and her chest was starting to hurt. He gave her some aspirin and drove her to the hospital (small town= 5 min drive, max). Once there, the staff took one look at her and rushed her back. She had one artery blocked 99% so they decided to transport her to the other hospital. Once she got there they immediately put the stint in and began assessing everything. She had very minimal heart damage. She has to go back in January for some more work. She should be able to go home tomorrow. She's 55...

Thinking about losing her was so different this time then that fear has ever been for me. I knew I wasn't in control. How crazy for me to ever really think I was. I used to think there was no way I would live through that and now I knew I wasn't ready and that she had more she should be able to do... But I also know this process isn't fair.

Thank you to the few of you who know about what's been going on- your thoughts are much appreciated.

Also, while I'm talking about curve balls, Friday night my grandfather passed away. It's sad because we will all miss him but he was more than ready. He's been in a nursing home for 5 years and can't see or hear or walk. He has some peace now, which he deserves. The sad part is my grandmother is still here, and suffers from dimentia. They've been in the same room at the nursing home and I just have such a hard time believing they have to be separated. They always did everything together. Walked into town to do errands together, had only one car their whole lives because they'd just go together- that type of couple. So that is the part that hurts the most right now. And knowing my dad is sad that his dad is gone. Although it was time, we will always miss him.

December 7, 1941

I was (kind of) watching the news this morning and the news station was talking with surviving WWII vets about Pearl Harbor and one old man mentioned that no one will remember what happened on this day when all of them are gone. Yes we will! I may not have been there but I will remember this day.

In honor of those lost, injured or present at Pearl Harbor 69 years ago today, I want to know more than the basic facts. Before looking into the events of the day I know that it was a surprise attack by the Japanese that happened on December 7, 1941. Congress voted for war with Japan on December 8, 1941, launching us into WWII. Let's jump in!


Some Facts about the events of the day:
* Pearl Harbor is the Naval Base for the U.S. Pacific Fleet. Pearl Harbor is the headquarters of the U.S. Pacific Fleet.

* Pearl Harbor has 10 square miles of navigable water. The harbour is on the southern coast of Oahu. The harbour is artificially improved.

* A U.S. embargo on necessary supplies for war prompted the attack on Pearl Harbor.

* A U.S. Army private who noticed the large flight of planes on his radar screen was told to ignore them because a flight of B-17s from the continental U.S. was expected at the time.

* The Japanese attack force was under the command of Admiral Nagumo. Japansese force consisted of six carriers with 423 planes. The Japanese fleet had 30 ships. The Japanese Admiral Yamamoto Isoroku planned the attack with great care.

* At 6 a.m. the first Japanese attack wave of 83 planes took off. The air raid lasted until about 9:45 a.m.

* Three prime targets escaped damage, the U.S. Pacific Fleet aircraft carriers, the Lexington, Enterprise and Saratoga. They were not in the port when the attack took place. The power station, shipyard, maintenance, and fuel and torpedo storage facilities, as well as the submarine piers and headquarters building (also home of the intelligence section) were not attacked.

* Four U.S. Navy battleships were sunk (two of which were raised and returned to service later in the war) and all of the four other battleships present were damaged. The Japanese also sank or damaged three cruisers, three destroyers, an anti-aircraft training ship[8] and one minelayer. 188 U.S. aircraft were destroyed, 2,402 personnel were killed[9] and 1,282 were wounded.

* Japanese losses were light, with 29 aircraft and five midget submarines lost, and 65 servicemen killed or wounded. One Japanese sailor was captured.

* On December 8, 1941, Congress declared war on Japan with only one vote against it. The vote against it was of Representative Jeannette Rankin of Montana, who had also voted against U.S. entry into World War I.

* A white concrete and steel structure now spans the hull of the sunken ship as a memorial. The memorial was dedicated on May 30, 1962.

Thank you to those who have been personally touched by the incidents at Pearl Harbor as you are forever imbedded into the history of America!

Sources:
http://www.erikanderson.net/pearlharbor/facts.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attack_on_Pearl_Harbor

6:15am

I could blame lily, she hasn't found a spot to be comfortable all night. She needed to go out so dang early. I had already been fighting a world class headache so we got up at 515 and I let her out and took some excedrine. Then we laid back down. Then it started, out of nowhere. 

Curling up in the Left side of my head I had this flash of pinching mike up at the airport. Just the regular pick ups. He would always check his bag so when I met him in baggage claim he'd just come walking down the stairs with nothing but a big smile, haha. I always miss him but haven't felt the strong need to see him like I did at that moment. I was overwhelmed, laying in Bed in tears, convincing myself that this would not help my (usually stress triggered) headache. 

I used to talk to him all the time. I still talk to him a lot but I mean it used to be all the time. I said to him, i just miss you. I'm ok, but man do I miss you. Please know that I always miss you, your warmth, your blue eyes, your smile. You're an amazing person and I knew that before you were gone. Now we get the chance to make sure as many people as possible know that the world was better because you were in it. Not just my world, the whole world. 

Decorating

I haven't decorated for Christmas since the first Christmas Mike was deployed. I decorated so that I could take pictures and send them to him. This year I have been compelled by some of the people closest to me to decorate, just a little at a time. Yesterday I got a little done, and it has been a nice adjustment because in the process I also have to clean up the house. A little 2-for-1 there.

The Television





The staircase (kind of a work in progress)




I think one of my widow friends put it perfectly. She said that she was always in love with Christmastime. Last year was her first Christmas without her husband and it was so close to his death she didn't even want to think about it. This year she's decided that the way her husband used to make fun of her for getting so excited about Christmas was one of the many ways he showed his love for her, and because he loved that about her, she would continue to be that way. It's a great thing to remember how to be yourself, the "you" that drew in your mate, and be able to embrace that again :)