Songs that repeat on my playlist

Pete Murray "Chance to Say Goodbye"
Dave Matthews "Stay or Leave"
Corey Smith "Maybe Next Year"
Dave Matthews Band "I'll Back You Up"
David Gray "This Year's Love"
Dierks Bentley "I Wanna Make You Close Your Eyes"
Heidi Newfield "Johnny and June"
Johnny Cash "I Walk The Line"
John Mayer "Comfortable"
Johnny Cash with June Carter "Jackson"
Little Big Town "Bring it on Home"
Little Big Town "Stay"
Mat Kearney "New York to California"
Miranda Lambert "Heart Like Mine"
Van Morrison "Crazy Love"

For now, that's a good collection.

724 am December 24

I wake up startled and thinking of you. I have to remember where I am, in a different room at my parent's with my dog beside me instead of you. I instantly remember that the last time I slept in this room was the last time you would ever sleep in this room, in this bed. Right freaking beside me. and now as the sun comes up, thats all I long to be, right beside you. I miss your touch horribly. I miss your hands and the the way they reached for mine. I miss how sure we were of each other's love. I miss everything.

I love you baby. Be Strong! Love Mike

This is the sticky note he left on our kitchen counter when he went back in July. How long baby? How strong can I be?

I love you, I love you, I LOVE YOU.

Love Letter

Love Letters, Beetoven

Evening, Monday, July 6

You are suffering, my dearest creature
only now have I learned that letters must be posted very early in the morning on Mondays to Thursdays
the only days on which the mail-coach goes from here to K.
You are suffering
Ah, wherever I am, there you are also
I will arrange it with you and me that I can live with you. What a life!!! thus!!! without you
pursued by the goodness of mankind hither and thither
which I as little want to deserve as I deserve it
Humility of man towards man
it pains me
and when I consider myself in relation to the universe, what am I and what is He
whom we call the greatest
and yet
herein lies the divine in man
I weep when I reflect that you will probably not receive the first report from me until Saturday
Much as you love me
I love you more
But do not ever conceal yourself from me
good night
As I am taking the baths I must go to bed
Oh God
so near! so far! Is not our love truly a heavenly structure, and also as firm as the vault of heaven?

Good morning, on July 7

Though still in bed, my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us
I can live only wholly with you or not at all
Yes, I am resolved to wander so long away from you until I can fly to your arms and say that I am really at home with you, and can send my soul enwrapped in you into the land of spirits
Yes, unhappily it must be so
You will be the more contained since you know my fidelity to you. No one else can ever possess my heart
never
never
Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves. And yet my life in V is now a wretched life
Your love makes me at once the happiest and the unhappiest of men
At my age I need a steady, quiet life
can that be so in our connection? My angel, I have just been told that the mailcoach goes every day
therefore I must close at once so that you may receive the letter at once
Be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together
Be calm
love me
today
yesterday
what tearful longings for you - you - you
my life
my all
farewell. Oh continue to love me
never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.

ever thine
ever mine
ever ours

Christmas is so far from what it used to be. This would be our first Christmas, with our first tree, and our first season of splitting holiday time between families, and driving the Jeep through the snow... It hasn't hit me yet, not hard anyway. I am sitting beside the tree at my parent's house. All these presents surround it and I am wondering what the heck all this stuff is when all 4 of us have more than we need. These ornaments that my mom religiously bought every year, one for my brother and one for me, are not supposed to be here. We should have packed mine away separately when we (they) took down the tree last year to be sent home with me and Mike. Along with his (yes, his mom did the same) they should be on our tree. That thought turns my stomach. Now my ornaments remain on my parent's tree and his are glued to a wreath that stands beside his headstone.

I'm glad 2009 is over. I'm not glad the entire year was without my love, but it was a year set up for so much happiness and it turned itself in the opposite direction. So many big things were happening in 2009 and I almost didn't even dream passed that magical number. Now as I approach 2010 I am not even sure what to think. I can't really imagine writing that number. It definitley seems fake- what the heck is 2010?Without any preconcieved ideas, maybe it can be a quiet, smooth (ish), low-key year that I spend relying on my strong, steady, long-time friends as much as I do my all-too-understanding new ones. I know too well that the year is long and I can't imagine what surprises it will hold. I will just keep moving. Moving forward, backward, upside down and all around. I will keep moving with him in my heart.

I want more

pictures. I have been looking through pictures and I want more. I want more pictures of him. Here are a couple examples that make me laugh and remind me. Remind me of everything that occasionally slides from my mind.

Have you seen this one? Guess what movie were "reenacting"


Look at that smile. Always having a good time :)


I miss this man so much.

The AWP Website

The new website is up and running and I am absolutely in love with it. Although I've read a lot of these stories, I feel like I'm reading them all over and looking at the pictures and it makes me feel comforted and it gives me the ability to function like a normal human being a little. I am so thankful everyone who worked on this put in their time and energy. It's worth browsing, I promise!

http://www.americanwidowproject.org/

Proud to be part of an amazing group of women :)

Something to Share

There is a TAPS(Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors) Magazine that I get quarterly. The fall issues had an article that I remember reading and thinking that it was very well written and articulated. Oddly things come up that trigger memories of what I read in this article. A few weeks after it came out, Amanda brought it up to me, "I found this really great article you have to read!" When she brought it down the stairs I recognized it. I told her I thought it was fantastic too. She said she tried to use it to explain to Nick, but he didn't grab on to it as much. We left it out on their counter and told her mom to read it too. Since it seems to keep coming up, and I really appreciate it, I will share. The address is below (I usually can't get it to link.) The article starts on page 15 and it's by Michele Neff Hernandez.

http://www.taps.org/uploadedFiles/TAPS/RESOURCES/Magazines/Magazine-Fall09.pdf

Feel free to browse any of the articles at http://www.taps.org/magazine.aspx

New Beginnings

First, I haven't posted in a while because every time I log in to see my dashboard I have 66 posts already. I didn't want that number to change.

Today I tried a "group counseling" session. I'm willing to try (almost) anything once. A friend who know the leader of the discussion suggested it for me. "Maybe you're ready to talk about it with people and see what it's like to be more than a year away." Maybe. It's called "New Beginnings" with the subtext that it was for young widows and widowers (55 and under). Yes that's literally what it said. Hmm I'm a tad younger but let's just see. When I walked in, I introduced myself to the person by the door, the leader, and she said quizzically "are you here for the widow group??" Yes. Yes I am. And the people I met were nice, and able to identify with how I'm dealing with the loss of my soul mate. In between the discussions about heart attacks, and cancer, and lung transplants I added our slightly different story. After the discussion, one generous widow gave me her card and email and said whenever I wanted to talk I could always contact her. She also mentioned that she and some of the other ladies have dinner once a month and I should come. And sometimes they even invite their daughters- so there would be a couple other girls my age...

I flip through the pamphlets I received as a first time group member and I read an article about dealing with grief. I've read my fair share of those. The second paragraph begins, "Every experience teaches us something new and as difficult as it is, death can bring about positive change in your life." Then I threw it. Next page- a list of websites to use as Grief Resources. Ok cool, maybe I'll check them out. The first one is www.aarp.org. Seriously? AARP?!? Awesome. To be fair it was at the top of the list because it started with an A, but still. It joined it's friend on the floor. Maybe I'm just not ready.

But I'm proud of myself for going and trying something new. And I'm proud to represent Mike and me, our relationship, us. I'll be the one that reminds people that we have men and women paying the ultimate sacrifice so we can have all the privileges we have, and so that other deserving people can have them too. I'll reach out to my own little bubble of people and try to help them remember their blessings. I'll thank God for every moment Mike and I had here together. I'll do it for now.

And I'll probably go back next month because I like to talk about Mike, and it does bring me small glimpses of peace, and really what else am I doing? ;)

Also, I did get a hug, which I welcome. :)