Christmas is so far from what it used to be. This would be our first Christmas, with our first tree, and our first season of splitting holiday time between families, and driving the Jeep through the snow... It hasn't hit me yet, not hard anyway. I am sitting beside the tree at my parent's house. All these presents surround it and I am wondering what the heck all this stuff is when all 4 of us have more than we need. These ornaments that my mom religiously bought every year, one for my brother and one for me, are not supposed to be here. We should have packed mine away separately when we (they) took down the tree last year to be sent home with me and Mike. Along with his (yes, his mom did the same) they should be on our tree. That thought turns my stomach. Now my ornaments remain on my parent's tree and his are glued to a wreath that stands beside his headstone.

I'm glad 2009 is over. I'm not glad the entire year was without my love, but it was a year set up for so much happiness and it turned itself in the opposite direction. So many big things were happening in 2009 and I almost didn't even dream passed that magical number. Now as I approach 2010 I am not even sure what to think. I can't really imagine writing that number. It definitley seems fake- what the heck is 2010?Without any preconcieved ideas, maybe it can be a quiet, smooth (ish), low-key year that I spend relying on my strong, steady, long-time friends as much as I do my all-too-understanding new ones. I know too well that the year is long and I can't imagine what surprises it will hold. I will just keep moving. Moving forward, backward, upside down and all around. I will keep moving with him in my heart.