You know what? I didn't pick this.

Listen, I am stating for the record that I did not choose to follow this path. I did not choose to be this person. I did not choose for this to be the way my 25th year and 26th year played out. I didn't. Now, that seems obvious to me- but bears necessity of repeating. I picked none of this.

I picked Mike. I picked him by the end of the weekend I first met him. I picked spending forever in his eyes. I picked supporting him in the things that he loved, in this military part of his life. I picked his crazy little smile and they way he dealt with my negativity. I picked his view on life to share with me. I picked us- and I will take full responsiblity for that. And I would pick it again, and again, and again even if I knew this was the outcome. I picked him. He picked me. We did not pick this.

Do not take this as me ducking my current life and saying that I haven't made decisions based on where I am now. I have, and I support them, 100%. I am responsible for that, but I do not fit any expectations. But I have to say that I am sick and tired of being told what to do. I am tired of being judged for how I deal with everything that is thrown my way. Hi, I'm Stacey and I'm still fucking living. Thanks. For a really long time, this was my goal. And all I heard was "take it day by day," and "God wouldn't give you anything you can't handle" and blah blah blah. But I did, I handled it and I'm working with it and I'm making it a life to be proud of and happy about. I know he is looking on proud as hell too.

Then all I heard was "you're so young." "you'll meet someone" "move on" .... move on, move on, move on. How is that supposed to comfort me?! It never did. There is no moving on. I will not move on from Mike, I will not move away from Mike, Mike is a part of me now. He is part of my life. He is part of who I am. To not acknowledge that, or to act like I'm doing something wrong to him is ridiculous. I will move forward, and I will carry him with me. There are moments I know I could not get through without his help, so he has to be with me. One of the things I trusted most about Mike was that if there was something he could do, he would. No doubt in my mind this characteristic still holds true to his soul. He helps me, he's with me. I will not move on from that. If you'd like to tell me anything at all that has to do with moving on, don't. I don't want to hear it.

I don't want anyone by Mike. As a wise friend told me, it was never a choice, it just was. I did not pick to lose him only (almost) 2 years into our life together. I also do not want to spend forever alone. I need people around me, but I need people who think about what I am feeling. How selfish of me, I know, but I can't do it. I can't hear these opinions, one way or the other, about what I am doing and what I should be doing. You have no idea. And if you have no idea, keep your opinion that may hurt my feelings to yourself.

3 Years

Happy Engagement Anniversary, Baby.

I miss you

The Need to Belong

I know, I'm all about the feelings lately, right?!

In the last few days I have been struggling with how to express in the best way possible that I am sick and tired of feeling like I don't belong anywhere. It's a bunch of things all mushed into this type of emotion. Part of it is my high school complex haunting me again- all the cool girls form this group and I'm on the outside wanting to be part of it. Really, it was only freshman year, but the mean girl thing scared me for life (ha). I hate this feeling a lot. I fight it and try to remember that I'm not 14, it doesn't matter if I 'belong' because I have people who love me regardless. But I forget, and that 14 year-old-self rears her head.

I don't belong in this world I run around in. Sometimes I can handle it and draw strength from it. Sometimes I just get tired and I want the normal, less wise-beyond-my-years, different-than-everyone-else perspective. There are groups of women I feel like I'm part of, and yet there are those moments when my insecurities get the best of me. I want to do this and I want to do that and it's in the hands of someone else. Maybe it's that control issue...

I am good with the way things are progressing. Considering the hand I've been dealt, I'm hanging in there :) I have to assume that along with losing the person you know you belong with, you float around looking for a place to fit. Once you start living again, that is. I'm just trying to fit, and honor my hero, and make everything he taught me everlasting. I'm angry when I feel that other people are honoring their hero better than I am. How bad is that?! I know, but the jealousy is there, and I'm willing to admit it. My adult self knows that it doesn't matter, that as long as I do the best I can the people in my life will be proud. Mike will be proud. I know that everything people do continues to change perspectives in this crazy world and I should be thankful for that. But my little girl won't stop kicking things up inside of me.

Still disconnected

I've been so uneasy lately. So off without a specific reason. I honestly have no words to describe where I'm at right now. I keep reading the things that make inspiration spring within me and thinking, and reading and thinking and it's just lost...

I'm unable to put my finger on the exact thing that I am feeling. Lost, still, even though I've been living and trying and waking up everyday with more than I felt a year ago at this time. Now I feel completely numb. I lack the ability to be completely moved right now. It's the emotions. I am used to feeling overwhelming emotions in one way or the other or all ways at once, so powerful they would knock me down, tears would pour from my eyes, or laughter would echo around the room as I genuinely felt giddy. Now I sit here, aching to feel that quiet desperation, or the familiar sadness, or something or anything at all. I'm looking around every corner to see where I can find those feelings.

I am equating feeling less with loving less and I don't like that at all. My inspiration cannot be fading. He cannot be fading. I try to write, to get it out, whatever this blockage is, and the words and ideas just fall away. I'm just not sure what this feeling is, and as off as it may sound, I feel completely crazy not feeling my comfortable, crazy emotions.

:)

Time to reconnect

I needed a breath of fresh air, quite literally. Maybe a little outside time to think about what I want out of my days is what I'm thirsting for. Lily always helps me be simply happy, watching her explore and try new things. This morning we got up and she was laying on the couch and I decided to look for somewhere to take her to explore. I found this website and decided to venture to the metroparks in Rocky River and climb the 137 steps of the top of the Foot Hill Trail. Lily was in heaven as she sniffed and ran and made friends with other dogs. It completely took me away from my daily worries and out of my head into the world around me. The little day retreat I needed :)

After crossing the Rocky River, we looked up at the stairs.

Lily is ready to go!

View from the top.

Mom! Let's go, let's GO!!!

The only picture of me, right as Lily began barking at some dogs ahead on the path.

Zonked from the activities of Sunday Funday :)

Fixed: The Videos

Allison, thanks for letting me know the videos didn't work because they were private!

I deleted the previous post and debated if I should continue with the video but Mike's laugh is just too good not to share. It brightened my night last night and when I see him with his huge smile it brings him so close to me, I have to share. :)



I appologize that my original post had the links that didn't work!

2nd Annual MJM Memorial Golf Outing--- it's coming!

I've been soliciting all week, but I wanted to share what is going on with the golf outing. The 2nd Annual MJM Memorial Golf Outing will be held June 12, 2010 at SweetBriar Golf Course in Avon Lake, OH. I am looking forward to seeing so many of Mike's buddies that I haven't seen since last year (or longer). We had such a blast last year... seriously! It was a fabulous day with some great people remembering Mike and raising money in his name.

We are looking for corporate hole sponsors which are $100 and include a sign on the hole. We are also looking for items that can be donated for the raffle we will be hosting at the steak fry after the tournament. Last year we had some really great things like autographed Cleveland Indians gear, Cleveland Browns tickets, and (I would guess) one of the top items - a painting by Victoria Lewis herself :) Of couse, we are looking for golfers and anyone who would like to buy tickets to just the steak fry. Golf foursomes are $300 and include a hot dog lunch, beverages on the course and the steak fry after the tournament. Steak fry tickets are $30. I wanted to make sure you all had the information. Anything you can send our way would be awesome, but please don't feel obligated!! If you have any questions feel free to call or shoot me an email!

Any of my local friends, I will be there all day setting up, decorating, volunteering, driving around golf carts, whatever! I will also be at the steak fry after and I would love for you to come join if you don't golf! If you are interested in volunteering let me know... you could follow in Sharon's footsteps, she helped decorate and set up last year :) *THANKS SHARON!*

Check it out

So, I said I would live it up. Do it the way you did it! Seize the opportunities that present themselves and meet you with a LIST of crazy, wonderful things to tell you about. Here we go...

*TAPS Run and Remember* Washington DC, October 24, 2010. I'll be there :)


(Edited 4/6)
If you'd like to donate, there is more info here