Monday, April 26, 2010

You know what? I didn't pick this.

Listen, I am stating for the record that I did not choose to follow this path. I did not choose to be this person. I did not choose for this to be the way my 25th year and 26th year played out. I didn't. Now, that seems obvious to me- but bears necessity of repeating. I picked none of this.

I picked Mike. I picked him by the end of the weekend I first met him. I picked spending forever in his eyes. I picked supporting him in the things that he loved, in this military part of his life. I picked his crazy little smile and they way he dealt with my negativity. I picked his view on life to share with me. I picked us- and I will take full responsiblity for that. And I would pick it again, and again, and again even if I knew this was the outcome. I picked him. He picked me. We did not pick this.

Do not take this as me ducking my current life and saying that I haven't made decisions based on where I am now. I have, and I support them, 100%. I am responsible for that, but I do not fit any expectations. But I have to say that I am sick and tired of being told what to do. I am tired of being judged for how I deal with everything that is thrown my way. Hi, I'm Stacey and I'm still fucking living. Thanks. For a really long time, this was my goal. And all I heard was "take it day by day," and "God wouldn't give you anything you can't handle" and blah blah blah. But I did, I handled it and I'm working with it and I'm making it a life to be proud of and happy about. I know he is looking on proud as hell too.

Then all I heard was "you're so young." "you'll meet someone" "move on" .... move on, move on, move on. How is that supposed to comfort me?! It never did. There is no moving on. I will not move on from Mike, I will not move away from Mike, Mike is a part of me now. He is part of my life. He is part of who I am. To not acknowledge that, or to act like I'm doing something wrong to him is ridiculous. I will move forward, and I will carry him with me. There are moments I know I could not get through without his help, so he has to be with me. One of the things I trusted most about Mike was that if there was something he could do, he would. No doubt in my mind this characteristic still holds true to his soul. He helps me, he's with me. I will not move on from that. If you'd like to tell me anything at all that has to do with moving on, don't. I don't want to hear it.

I don't want anyone by Mike. As a wise friend told me, it was never a choice, it just was. I did not pick to lose him only (almost) 2 years into our life together. I also do not want to spend forever alone. I need people around me, but I need people who think about what I am feeling. How selfish of me, I know, but I can't do it. I can't hear these opinions, one way or the other, about what I am doing and what I should be doing. You have no idea. And if you have no idea, keep your opinion that may hurt my feelings to yourself.


MandyMy said...

I don't think that it's selfish at all to want people around you that think about how you are feeling. I feel that so far through this journey I've learned who my true friends are. Then, when I look at how some things have gone I realize that without telling or asking me, they made choices because of how they might effect me. I feel like we deserve, and should want people like that in our lives. I feel like even though we hate feeling different, our emotions and life are much different from the average person. We are more fragile because we have been broken all the way to the core of our beings. Sure we are putting the pieces back together, but they'll never fit the same, and we need people that will know and love us because of how we are. We didn't pick this, but we did pick them, and now we will carry them in our hearts for however long this journey may be! Lots of love girlie!!! <3

Allison said...

That's why I said after meeting the other widows in Orlando that we need to have a widow town. It was such a huge relief to talk to other people who genuinely felt the same as you. Who could say "I've been there before". Being around other people who are going through what I am going through is like an energy drink right before a huge test. Like the big push that I need to continue to live life knowing that my husband will always be by my side. I say we start planning widowville now!

Sharon said...


TheMunchkinMom said...

You ARE spending forever in his eyes, Stace. He is and will continue to be everything that is beautiful and lovable, and yes even the things that are challenging about you. That IS him and that IS you. If you meet someone that is not only deserving of YOU as a whole, but who can not only let Mike in...but love him as well for being someone YOU loved and for being part of who made you YOU...and not feel threatened...then life will make it all work out. Do what feels right and true...whatever that is. It WILL be right and true. Keep living. Keep loving. Whoever and however you damn well feel like it. Because that is the way it should be.

Jackie said...

You certainly didn't pick this, and I think you are handling it with much grace and strength. I think people give advice because they feel helpless and they're not sure what else to say. I think sometimes people need to realize that it's ok (and necessary!) to just shut up and listen. As for the "moving on" advice... that's crazy talk. Mike is a part of you forever. I know it doesn't mean much, but I am so proud of you Stacey!

jenny said...

you are a rock star. i love your voice in this blog.

and i support you always.