Monday, April 19, 2010

The Need to Belong

I know, I'm all about the feelings lately, right?!

In the last few days I have been struggling with how to express in the best way possible that I am sick and tired of feeling like I don't belong anywhere. It's a bunch of things all mushed into this type of emotion. Part of it is my high school complex haunting me again- all the cool girls form this group and I'm on the outside wanting to be part of it. Really, it was only freshman year, but the mean girl thing scared me for life (ha). I hate this feeling a lot. I fight it and try to remember that I'm not 14, it doesn't matter if I 'belong' because I have people who love me regardless. But I forget, and that 14 year-old-self rears her head.

I don't belong in this world I run around in. Sometimes I can handle it and draw strength from it. Sometimes I just get tired and I want the normal, less wise-beyond-my-years, different-than-everyone-else perspective. There are groups of women I feel like I'm part of, and yet there are those moments when my insecurities get the best of me. I want to do this and I want to do that and it's in the hands of someone else. Maybe it's that control issue...

I am good with the way things are progressing. Considering the hand I've been dealt, I'm hanging in there :) I have to assume that along with losing the person you know you belong with, you float around looking for a place to fit. Once you start living again, that is. I'm just trying to fit, and honor my hero, and make everything he taught me everlasting. I'm angry when I feel that other people are honoring their hero better than I am. How bad is that?! I know, but the jealousy is there, and I'm willing to admit it. My adult self knows that it doesn't matter, that as long as I do the best I can the people in my life will be proud. Mike will be proud. I know that everything people do continues to change perspectives in this crazy world and I should be thankful for that. But my little girl won't stop kicking things up inside of me.

1 comment:

TheMunchkinMom said...

Know where you belong? Right where you never have to feel like you don't. I have absolute faith that you'll find that place.