Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Still disconnected

I've been so uneasy lately. So off without a specific reason. I honestly have no words to describe where I'm at right now. I keep reading the things that make inspiration spring within me and thinking, and reading and thinking and it's just lost...

I'm unable to put my finger on the exact thing that I am feeling. Lost, still, even though I've been living and trying and waking up everyday with more than I felt a year ago at this time. Now I feel completely numb. I lack the ability to be completely moved right now. It's the emotions. I am used to feeling overwhelming emotions in one way or the other or all ways at once, so powerful they would knock me down, tears would pour from my eyes, or laughter would echo around the room as I genuinely felt giddy. Now I sit here, aching to feel that quiet desperation, or the familiar sadness, or something or anything at all. I'm looking around every corner to see where I can find those feelings.

I am equating feeling less with loving less and I don't like that at all. My inspiration cannot be fading. He cannot be fading. I try to write, to get it out, whatever this blockage is, and the words and ideas just fall away. I'm just not sure what this feeling is, and as off as it may sound, I feel completely crazy not feeling my comfortable, crazy emotions.


Mrs P said...

I love your description, it's so true, and writing is such a great outlet

Amber said...

First of all, I am so completely sad for you! I can NOT even imagine what you are going through. You AND your husband has made the biggest scarifice. I am at a loss for words.

Just know that we are still here to support you. I'm glad that you can release some of what your feeling through blogging. I am sure it helps you heal in a way.

I am now a follower! Stay strong!

TheMunchkinMom said...

You will never love less. NEVER. Even if you aren't overcome by it every second so much that you can't breathe.

The 'not feeling' isn't not feeling. It's the love letting you breathe. You still love just as much...that love is just allowing you room for a much needed deep breath to steel itself for whatever may come.