At this moment I'm just angry. Ahh the roller coaster of grief.

I'm mad in very unfair ways. I am mad at people for nothing. I'm mad that I am alone again. I am mad that somehow to do things that make me happy I have a series of strings I have to pull at just the right angle, get everything set up just so, so that no one ever thinks I'm doing the wrong thing. When in the world did I begin to care so much about what other people thought? Why does everything that happens piss me off? Why do I feel like I always find myself thinking things should happen different ways? People talk and I sit there and squirm. People are pulling away, and they should. Their lives and my life just aren't the same. I can't fake it. I try, I try to go with the flow but it doesn't make sense to me. So many things seem so absolutely pointless compared to the things that should matter. I just want to scream- Those stupid things do not matter! They don't! Everyone has forgotten. Not everyone. Some. I'm angry.

No matter what I do I can't bring him back. I just want him back. I want him to see the new bedroom furniture. I want him to help me move shit back into the guest bedroom. I want to stop avoiding certain spots in my house because I've left it that way since the day I knew he wasn't coming home. So much is different and I just want him here for it. We just wanted a normal life. I don't even have wedding memories to hang on to. I can't wear my rings on any fucking finger without someone having an opinion about it. The worst part is I don't even know where I want to wear them. Wearing them where they should be makes me mad we didn't get that. Wearing them where I have them now makes me mad that that's not where they belong. I'm so tired of trying to explain every single action I take. I am tired of trying to figure out what Mike would want or what Mike would say. I just want him to be here and do what he would want or say what he would say. It's not my job to figure it out. If I could conjure up what Mike is in my mind it wouldn't be truly him anyway. It would be him based on what I thought. That's not what I want. I want him based on him, rooted in him, and only him. He's the only one who can be that. Now I'm just rambling...

Ups and downs.