Sunday, June 6, 2010

Lonely in the here and now.

I felt so close to Mike all weekend (last weekend). The whole weekend, in my mind, I was only there and having those experiences because of him. I know he points me in the right direction, especially when I need help, and because of what was so important to him, I am now in the position to meet these amazing women who have become such close friends and pivotal people in my healing process. So when I get back and the buzz wears off, sitting around all day and doing nothing feels so lonely. Of course I am physically not around anyone, besides my constant companion Lily :) But also because when I do spend time with people it is so clear to me that everyone's lives keep going. I don't know if it's jealousy that I want to be where they are, or not feel the things I feel, or the desire to just be back to a blissfully ignorant state when life is just regular, but it's hard for me.

So I'm lonely. Lonely without my beautiful AWP friends, lonely without my love, lonely without the few people outside those categories that I would like to be with.

I will love the light for it shows me the way. Yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars.
- Og Mandine


3 comments:

Allison said...

Let's go somewhere! I feel the EXACT same way as you! I am to the point where I do not want to be here anymore. I have been dragging lately and it is so hard to act like everything is ok. I need other widows! Lets do something while we both have the time! I love you girl!

MandyMy said...

Again, I know exactly how you feel. It's hard to feel like your life has stopped, like it has gotten stuck somewhere. What's worse is that you feel stuck, and then everyone around you is still moving. I hated thinking that as I felt broken and lost, the entire world was moving forward. I was jealous, and angry that through losing Dan, the entire world didn't crumble like I did. Just another kick from the grief monster. Hang in there lovie!! Hugs and <3!!!!

aloveinterrupted said...

Lonely without you, too :( Max and Charlie say hi to you and Lily <3