Saturday, June 26, 2010

I wish you Peace

Sitting here, blogging on my patio, I feel more peaceful than I have in long time. I have been thinking about peacefulness and where to find it lately. Ii can't really answer the questions. A few weeks ago one of my fabulous widow friends and I were talking, catching up on other things in our lives besides widow-blues. She had mentioned her mom tries to help by taking her to a place where she finds the most peace. It made me think about where I find peace. The best and possibly only answer I have at the moment is early in the morning, when the darkness has gone, but not quite all the way. When it's not too warm yet, and I get the off chance of feeling a breeze in through our window. Lily usually gets up earlier than me to tell me she needs to go outside. After we do that routine we come back in, I feed her, she eats and we lay back down for a bit. I hear the birds and my mind feels more clear than any other time. I miss him in a way that doesn't drag me down the dark path, but just in a way you feel when you haven't talked to you best friend in years. I haven't talked to my best friend in years. I guess that's not true, I talk to him all the time. He just doesn't respond the same way I expect, or in anyway I can understand. But I trust that he hears me. Maybe only for my peace of mind, but he hears me, and that's my peaceful time. The only place I can come up with. I have little control over it, because soon the sun gets brighter and the humidity rises and I have to get out of my 3rd floor bedroom. Once I do it's time to keep busy.

Lily has been sick. All day yesterday she was vomiting, first her food, then some peanut butter (I thought she was all better) then just her stomach juices, then water right after she drank it. It so reminded me of the flu that I detest having. I took her to the vet, they said there were no signs it was something that wouldn't pass, gave her fluids and an injection to stop her nausea. Then I was told how to make her bland food diet, how to give her more meds for the vomiting and diarrhea for the next couple days and what to watch out for. She finally ate a little more than 1/4 cup of food just about an hour ago. I swear I wanted to throw a party, pop a bottle of champagne, or something. Thank goodness she is fine. Of course I was being dramatic and paranoid that something severe was suddenly wrong with her. I am telling you this because now that she is better we are both sitting on the porch (shes actually licking up dirt and leaves right now...) and I think that in any peaceful scenario I have she has to be there. She's my other half for now.

I want to know how to keep going. I want to try, but it gets so overwhelming sometimes. The opposite of my peaceful times are my times of madness. Oddly they are the opposite time of day as well- when the sun goes down, I go a little crazy. I get overwhelmed, I get sad, I almost always go to bed angry about things that happened that are less important than losing Mike. I want to reach out to someone, someone who will say the right thing, someone who can comfort me, someone who will talk to me about what I'm feeling, someone who will listen. I want that comfort again. I don't remember who's blog I was reading earlier but I took away from it the realization that the comfort is gone and it won't be back in the same way I had with Mike. It's so very true. I don't know if it is because the innocence and ignorance of those days are long since shattered, or just knowing that the person that is magnetically drawn to your soul is standing right there with his arms around you, but it won't ever be the same.

So where do I turn now for comfort? Where do I find my peace? Homework questions for the chapter I'm in right now.

(completely stolen pic)


Mrs P said...

Once again, reading this post, I am reminded why I love my widow friends so much. The whole "get it" thing. It's crazy how I can read something written by someone else and know I could have written something almost the same. Of course my peace place is a bit different, but the quest for it all too much the same. I'm glad to hear your girl is doing ok, it sounds like you may have some of the fear I carry with me, an almost irrational fear of losing anyone else. I check on my daughter several times when she sleeps, can't help it, if something happened to her... well, we're not even going to go there. And of course, a thousand virtual hugs coming your way

jenny said...

oh my goodness, lily girl!! i'm so glad she is ok.

and i love you.

keep looking for peace and don't beat yourself up for madness.