Lonely in the here and now.

I felt so close to Mike all weekend (last weekend). The whole weekend, in my mind, I was only there and having those experiences because of him. I know he points me in the right direction, especially when I need help, and because of what was so important to him, I am now in the position to meet these amazing women who have become such close friends and pivotal people in my healing process. So when I get back and the buzz wears off, sitting around all day and doing nothing feels so lonely. Of course I am physically not around anyone, besides my constant companion Lily :) But also because when I do spend time with people it is so clear to me that everyone's lives keep going. I don't know if it's jealousy that I want to be where they are, or not feel the things I feel, or the desire to just be back to a blissfully ignorant state when life is just regular, but it's hard for me.

So I'm lonely. Lonely without my beautiful AWP friends, lonely without my love, lonely without the few people outside those categories that I would like to be with.

I will love the light for it shows me the way. Yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars.
- Og Mandine

At this moment I'm just angry. Ahh the roller coaster of grief.

I'm mad in very unfair ways. I am mad at people for nothing. I'm mad that I am alone again. I am mad that somehow to do things that make me happy I have a series of strings I have to pull at just the right angle, get everything set up just so, so that no one ever thinks I'm doing the wrong thing. When in the world did I begin to care so much about what other people thought? Why does everything that happens piss me off? Why do I feel like I always find myself thinking things should happen different ways? People talk and I sit there and squirm. People are pulling away, and they should. Their lives and my life just aren't the same. I can't fake it. I try, I try to go with the flow but it doesn't make sense to me. So many things seem so absolutely pointless compared to the things that should matter. I just want to scream- Those stupid things do not matter! They don't! Everyone has forgotten. Not everyone. Some. I'm angry.

No matter what I do I can't bring him back. I just want him back. I want him to see the new bedroom furniture. I want him to help me move shit back into the guest bedroom. I want to stop avoiding certain spots in my house because I've left it that way since the day I knew he wasn't coming home. So much is different and I just want him here for it. We just wanted a normal life. I don't even have wedding memories to hang on to. I can't wear my rings on any fucking finger without someone having an opinion about it. The worst part is I don't even know where I want to wear them. Wearing them where they should be makes me mad we didn't get that. Wearing them where I have them now makes me mad that that's not where they belong. I'm so tired of trying to explain every single action I take. I am tired of trying to figure out what Mike would want or what Mike would say. I just want him to be here and do what he would want or say what he would say. It's not my job to figure it out. If I could conjure up what Mike is in my mind it wouldn't be truly him anyway. It would be him based on what I thought. That's not what I want. I want him based on him, rooted in him, and only him. He's the only one who can be that. Now I'm just rambling...

Ups and downs.

Memorial Day Weekend- the details

So I absolutely have to write about this Memorial Day weekend. I've been finding it difficult to put any of what we did into a simple blog post. We did so much and I could recap only the physical details. More than that I was able to feel so much, but what we feel is hard to describe in just words.

I left Friday morning and the entire 6 hour drive to DC I kept thinking I should have left earlier, several of my friends were already there. We met up and just talked in the hotel room for a while before getting ready for dinner. I was able to meet Glenda before dinner, which was such an honor! We did dinner at the hotel and then headed to the Vietnam memorial to find her husband Bruce’s name on the wall. There were members of the Rolling Thunder everywhere when we got there and rain was poring down. We fit all the ladies under 3 umbrellas and took off to search for the name. Minutes after we found his name the bagpipes began, Amazing Grace. It was an instant reaction for us as we grabbed each other and our tears joined the rain. After amazing grace, they played Taps. No one moved. Then big hugs for all of us. We tried to fix our makeup and get some pictures with Bruce’s name. As we walked out of the memorial I was searching for a friend, trying to check out all the faces in the crowd, looking for blond, looking for Kim. I found her, snuck over and we hugged. She said hi to all the girls and we were all able to chat for a bit. We met and shared the pins we wear with another widow that our PBS man, Jim, knew, then headed into a cab to Georgetown. We spent some time talking, laughing and drying off at the restaurant then went back to the hotel bar for some drinks and pool games. As we got to the hotel Allison spotted Lt. Dan. The Lt. Dan, Gary Sinise. Jim got him to come over and meet us, along with Dennis Haysbert and Joe Mantegna. We were all flabbergasted and trying to act cool, like this is something we do everyday. Each one of them took the time to get to know us and we took some pictures.

I was able to meet Tatitana’s mom who is so similar to her, it’s beautiful! She has such a high energy and she was hanging out with us from time to time. It gave me insight to where one of my best friends comes from. Some of Allison’s family was there and it was so nice to be able to share some time, especially with her (slightly famous) father. Taryn’s parents were also there and they are clearly very special people.

Saturday was very emotional for all of us, we began in Arlington at the Kennedy wreath laying. We then went to Section 60 where the Iraq and Afghanistan veterans rest. Brooke and Kim both have their Love’s buried there and to see them in their intimate moments was a privilege for me. We decorated Frankie’s spot and all touched a rose before we left it with him. We left roses for Warren, and told him his girl is in our hands and we've got her back! We were also able to talk with some of the other people paying their respects, leave them flowers, and thank them for what they've given. Some of the women we know were not able to be there with us so we searched the area and took pictures, laid roses and delivered any messages. There were also several spots we just had to stop and admire. Pictures adorned wreathes, put in frames, taped on the back, left with loved ones to represent them or catch them up on their lives. It was very touching.






After we left Arlington I was drained, hungry, hot, tired and I lost it a little on the phone with my mom. I couldn't get over how many people were buried there, across the whole cemetery, and in Section 60 alone. I know the pain that it has caused our group of women, our families, and so many of us weren't there. I couldn't imagine the amount of pain that was spread throughout that cemetery and how far it reached. I was worried about things back here, and not being here for Mike this Memorial Day. My mother assured me that I am honoring his legacy and living how he would live, which is exactly what I needed.

We ate some lunch, hung out a little longer; I got some hugs to pull me out of my fall for the moment. Then we got a tour of the Capital. After the tour we got ready for a dinner at Clyde’s with our PBS friends and it was delicious. That night we planned to do a little self-led night walking tour. I ended up opting out of the tour to talk to one of Mike’s friends and it was a good conversation. We shared some memories, and we were able to share that we are both still hurting, and that’s ok. I was really comforted after the phone call and I could feel Mike being proud and happy. Overwhelmed, I went to bed early and caught up on sleep.

The next day we had some quality time at the eastern market and then began getting ready for the Memorial Day concert. We were lucky enough to get transported over to the concert early and sit in our reserved seats in the 1st and 2nd rows! The concert was amazing, especially that close. I feel so lucky to have been part of this weekend. If you missed the concert there are two clips below.


Brad Paisley- Then- National Memorial Day Concert


AJ Cook and Blythe Danner- Taryn and Glenda's story



These are the details of this weekend. The feelings that accompanied me are more than I can tap into right now...

Memorial Day 2010

Just wanted to pimp the concert:

http://www.pbs.org/memorialdayconcert/features/bandofsisters.html

http://www.pbs.org/memorialdayconcert/concert/

Watch, DVR, Tape record if necessary. I'll be there.

AND I can't wait to meet up with some fellow widdows, sharin' the love :)

When I am gone

~Mrs. Lyman Hancock

When I come to the end of my journey

And I travel my last weary mile,

Just forget if you can, that I ever frowned

And remember only the smile.

Forget unkind words I have spoken;

Remember some good I have done.

Forget that I ever had heartache

And remember I've had loads of fun.

Forget that I've stumbled and blundered

And sometimes fell by the way.

Remember I have fought some hard battles

And won, ere the close of the day.

Then forget to grieve for my going,

I would not have you sad for a day,

But in summer just gather some flowers

And remember the place where I lay,

And come in the shade of evening

When the sun paints the sky in the west

Stand for a few moments beside me

And remember only my best.

5/23 (almost) One More Month.

It has been said that there’s one word that will free us from the weight and pain of life… and that word is love… it doesn’t mean that it hasn’t been hard or that it wont be, it just means that I found a stillness and a bravery in myself with you… you made me brave… and I will love you until the end of time.."

AWP Love

*The Ladies w/ the RV*

CPT Michael J. Medders

I was so happy. For 3 whole days, I was so happy. I didn't worry about what jewlery I had on, or what I said, or how I said it, or who was comfortable, or who was uncomfortable. I just was, and I laughed a lot, and it was happiness. There were moments when my stomach would drop and I would remember that I couldn't call Mike and tell him about the beautiful people I was meeting and how they were helping me. I couldn't tell him the funny joke the man told on the way up in the airplane (Did you hear the one about the seal? So a seal walked into a bar... haha). I jumped out of an airplane- and I can't tell him, and I can't show him pictures. When we were up in the sky and all I could see were clouds my body was shaky but my heart was not. Push me to the edge- I've been there in every other way. Now I got to jump without any repurcussion. I kissed my hand and put it up to the window. This is the closest I'll be without anything around me- I love you baby.

It was amazing. Jumping 13,500 feet flying at 120mph for 60 seconds before my bud Roy opened the parachute...wow. I really really cannot describe the jump in words and I'm not even going to try, but I can describe what I feel. After getting out of all the gear I had to get out of the little building because I was shaking with energy. I walked around outside, called a few friends and left a few messages, called mom, talked to dad, and sat down. No one around while everyone was around. I just sat and wondered if he knew. If he was proud. How many people did I need to tell to equal the feeling that telling him would give me? I don't know, I couldn't find it. It's moments like this that remind me that as much as I can do, I wish I could do it with him. Reguardless, I do feel a little more bad ass. Now I may be suffering from some widdow withdrawl.

The get away was very fullfilling. I had a great time and shared a million laughs, if not more. Made some new friends, celebrated birthdays, upcoming weddings, and the lives of those who are more than heros to us. Many thanks to the women of the AWP and all those who had a part in the golf outing fundraiser and skydive!

From "A Grief Observed" by C.S. Lewis

I have read through this book twice in about a week. It is very short, just a collection of essays about his feelings after losing his wife. I seem to be writing a lot a lately but not necessarily things I want to "publish" in this format. So here you go...

Something quite unexpected has happened. It came this morning early. For
various reasons, not in themselves at all mysterious, my heart was lighter than
it had been for many weeks. For one thing, I suppose I am recovering physically
from a good deal of mere exhaustion. And I'd had a very tiring but very healthy
twelve hours the day before, and a sounder night's sleep; and after ten days of
low-hung grey skies and motionless warm dampness, the sun was shining and there
was a light breeze. And suddenly at the very moment when, so far, I mourned H.
least, I remembered her best. Indeed it was something (almost) better than
memory; an instantaneous, unanswerable impression. To say it was like a meeting
would be going too far. Yet there was that in it which tempts one to use those
words. It was as if the lifting of the sorrow removed a barrier.

Why has no one told me these things? How easily I might have misjudged another man in the same situation. I might have said, ‘He's got over it. He's forgotten his wife', when
the truth was, ‘He remembers her better because he has partly got over it.'

...Looking back, I see that only a very little time ago I was greatly concerned
about my memory of H. and how false it might become. For some reason - the
merciful good sense of God is the only one I can think of - I have stopped
bothering about that. And the remarkable thing is that since I stopped bothering
about it, she seems to meet me everywhere. Meet is far too strong a word. I
don't mean anything remotely like an apparition or a voice. I don't mean even
any strikingly emotional experience at any particular moment. Rather, a sort of
unobtrusive but massive sense that she is, just as much as ever, a fact to be
taken into account.
~C. S. Lewis