Triumphant 10 Miles

Specifics:
22048 HRVATIN, STACEY F26

Net
1:40:59

Overall
13289 /21636

Sex
4526/9581

Div
990/1941

6.5Mi Split
1:06:22

Net Time
1:40:59

Pace
10:05

Army 10 Miler complete! :) Let me recap for you. Friday was an extremely bad day, sort of out of nowhere. Other people interfering in my healing process cause me to wonder what the heck I am supposed to do because no matter what I do someone has got something to say. Although I hit a little rough patch and was not looking forward to the extremely active weekend, Nick said one of the sweetest things. I was talking with him on the phone emoting how I just didn't know what to do anymore. "I can say with complete confidence, you continue to do what you are doing." Ah, just what I needed.

So I get ready Saturday morning and we get to the airport hop on our plane take a one-hour bumpy flight into Baltimore, bus from the airport to the rental car building, rent the car, stop for a healthy Panera lunch, ride into DC to the Armory to pick up our packets. It was overwhelming because of the sheer amount of people there at the Expo. Amanda and I got our packets with our bibs and our awesome long sleeve t-shirt and browse the fun gear. Next we head to our hotel, through A LOT of DC construction traffic. We checked in, freshened up, and headed to one of Mike's friends (from officer training) in-laws house. It was a good night of catching up, getting the 411 on this race, carbing up and consuming large amounts of water.

Laying down to sleep I started to get very nervous I would be claustrophobic during the race. Once my mind calmed down the 5:15 am alarm came nice and early. We got up and got ready, ate a Powerbar, drank some Gatorade and off we went. We were in the second group to start so we followed the time schedule and then lined up to start. Nervous nervous! Once we started it was great. I was also worried I would hate running without my ipod (because I DO hate running without my ipod) but I hardly even noticed. We had a great pace and Amanda was a very motivating running partner. There is one part of the course when you retrace the way you previously went so while we were running approx the 5th mile there were people on the other side of the road running the 7th back toward the end. When we hit the 8th mile I was not sure my legs would make it. My muscles felt very fatigued. I knew I would finish, I just wanted to slow down. I let Amanda get ahead of me for a while and I would keep an eye on her and if she got too far I would hustle closer to her. At one point I told her to go ahead and I'd meet her at the finish line. "Nope," she said calmly, "we're doing this together." So I grabbed some energy from somewhere and we hit the last mile. The best part was coming around that last curve, seeing all the spectators, and finding the people with our matching t-shirts, cheering for us! Then the last straight away we both just looked at each other and sprinted (or what we had left of a sprint). Crossed the finish line holding hands, hugged after that, we did it! Then we were corralled into the banana/water/spectator area. Found our friends, took some pictures, waited for a few more of our party to finish.





I ran with garb all over me. Our shirts were in honor of Mike, I had my AWP pin on my shoe so that when I looked down I could focus on all of us who have done this exhausting race in real life. I had both Mike's dog tags and Nick's dog tags tucked in safe keeping, and my mother's cross around my neck. I needed to draw strength from everyone that day.


I'm sad I didn't meet up with some of my friends that were in town for the race or other things that day. Little bit of a bummer, but after the race I was so exhausted and we just didn't have much time. We also stopped by Arlington because Mike's mom and sister wanted to see section 60. I showed them some spots that belong to husbands of my friends, and we were amazed at the amount of new plots with plastic markers and no headstones yet. Hard to fathom how recently they were walking this earth. I was sobering but an appropriate wrap up to the weekend, reminding us why we did this race.

More pictures of the actual race to come!

Nothing Cohesive.

Ok it's kinda of crazy how people are on the same wavelength. I have been struggling with my identity lately and it's something I'm aware of but can't figure out how to fix. Not even how to start. I don't exactly know who this person is that feels happy now. I don't know what to do when I lay down in bed and don't spend hours crying and wishing for some type of peace. That may sound weird, because while I was there all I wanted was peace, relief, acceptance. Now that I feel closer I'm so confused. (sounds like the grass is always greener type of thing).

I was just talking with a widow friend last night and explaining that everything just seems more complicated now. Having a relationship is difficult to begin with and this suitcase of baggage that I am not willing to give up does not make it easier. Not that that is what Mike is to me, just what losing him has given me. The two men who notified me should have just brough me biggest one they could find and said "here you go- you're gonna take this everywhere from here on out." I am happy that I can have really great (sometimes repeated becasue I need to hash everything out) discussions about the things I'm feeling uncomfortable with because I know that that is something I need to have if someone plans to be with me. Sometimes those differing opinions sting because they hit so deep.

In other news-- The Army 10-Miler is Sunday! WOOOO! I am ready, I am a runner, I am going to finish this race, and it is going to be awesome. (This is what I repeat to myself throughout the days now.) I am excited to experience the race, the atmosphere, the whole thing. I'm very nervous. While I was running yesterday I decided that I just need to remember to keep my head up and take everything in. I could care less about my time, just that I finish the race. I know physically I can run ten miles without dying. So I'm there for the experience; to meet the thousands of other people and know their stories; to tell them about Mike; to meet some fellow widows who I've never met in person; to share this with Mike's sister Amanda, and his mom and friends; to look around and realize I'm running past the Capitol or the Washington Monument. To cross that freaking finish line and feel a little bit more (*bad ass*) proud of myself! :)

Revealing my points of anger.

In the early hours of the morning when lily wakes me up to go outside we do our business and usually go back to bed for a bit. These are the hours that deep thoughts start to cross my mind, maybe because I'm less trained to fight them when I'm half asleep. I am back in bed, doing this sort of stretching/meditation I do. I tend to sleep all crunched up in various forms of the fetal position which makes my back and leg muscles less than happy in the morning. Stretching helps them feel better and gives me time to breathe and let go. This morning as I was doing this a thought that seems obvious now that I recognize it floated to the surface. I am angry that life has me back in this situation. I am angry that I have to do it again. It feels like some kind of cruel joke.

I have met someone who I didn't think existed. That's really the best way for me to put it. He's jumped on my crazy train and has been a very sturdy source of support for me. Without diving into all the specific details of Nick (unless you want to hear them, ha) he has patience beyond measure and has walked forward with me and then taken a pause when I throw up my arms and tell him I'm too overwhelmed and things need to slow down. I very rarely look into the future. It doesn't matter what or how much I plan because life has it's own plan. Nick is a planner. I think it's something he was born with but his career dictates that he maintain that point of view. Nick's in the army.

Now you see. How did this happen? What is my deal? So these are the things occupying my mind lately.

I'm giving you a big hug. Can you feel it?

I really can't thank you all enough for sharing with me how you cope with the angers in your life. I didn't expect as many responses as I got and believe me I take them all to heart. I just began reading "Fury" the book that Bana suggested and I'm living it. I'm alreading foreseeing myself reading it again once I'm finished. It's great for me personally because it's written from a place of experience and self-exploration and it's not too close for comfort to be able to read. I love it in a professional sense because she was researching so muchvwhen she wrote it that she backs up her ideas and is slowly giving me a list of other books I will investigate. Some of you bloggie friends know that I'm going back to school and am currently working towards my masters in counseling and this is such a topic of interest for me. Anyway- long-winded but there it is. Big fat thank you hug :)

Survey says...

Ok I've been tagged in a survey game and because of my true love for these people I will participate :) I'm not the hugest survey fan but here goes!

Mandy Deatest asked:
1. If you could pick one year of your life that you would say is the best, what year would it be?
Holy cow I do not know. The entire year of 2007 is the only whole year I knew and loved Mike while he was here with me so I'll pick that one.

2. Is there one place, no matter how far, that you wish you could run away to?
I wish when I want to run away I could go to my parent's house circa 1990. When I was young and it was safe and they could fix everything.

3. How did you and your lovie meet? (Most of of my blog peeps are my widsters, and I love hearing these stories!)
Mike and I met through friends on a random Fris
Friday night and once we started talking I never wanted to stop. That's the simple version :)

4. If you could find out how you are going to die, would you?
No I'm Slightly afraid I wouldn't live then.

5. If you had the choice of mind reading or knowing the future, what would you pick and why?
Im going with mind reading only because it would be a benefit to me at that moment. And it'd be neat.

6. If you could have one wish granted, what would it be?
Peace. For my family. For my friends. For the world. And for me.

7. Can you unwrap a Starburst with your tongue?
Hells ya. Practiced in like 7th grade

8. Are you afraid of dying?
No I am not. Obviously I've got someone warming up the party for me ;)



Ok now for my Lovely Allison:
1. If you could have lunch with any famous person who would it be and why?
I'm bad at small talk and I'd say dumb stuff like "I love your commercials" (haha) or something but I would love to have lunch with any US President, past or present.

2. Describe your dream house.
On a lake, with a big back porch and rocking chairs. Losts of wood. Really amazing kitchen because if were not outside in the lake or on the porch were in the kitchen. The best master bathroom ever. So much room and a big tub and corner shower. Yes :)

3. If you could start your life all over again, would you change anything? why or why not?
No I don't think I would becasue if I change something I am afraid it would lead to some other change down the road that maybe wasn't what a I would want.

4. When you were growing up, what did you want to be?
Happy

5. What are your favorite stores to shop at?
Hmm target, tj Maxx, marshalls, pier one, world market, banana republic

6. What is your favorite holiday?
This one is difficult for me because it's completely changed. I think maybe new years eve and day because it's a celebration and chance to start again in whatever way you want.

7. Describe your perfect day.
Oh man. I can't even begin to imagine what would encompass my 'perfect day'

8. Please list your favorite TV show, movie, and band.
My favortie TV show is Friends. I watch it in reruns anytime I see that it's on :) My favorite movie depends on my mood. I enjoy Pretty Woman, Walk the Line, Wedding Crashers, and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Favorite Band = Dave Matthews Band although lately my taste is still evolving. They are a long-time love of mine and I try to stay loyal!

Ok I'm not tagging anyone because I'm pretty sure everyone I follow has been tagged. Love you all- sorry it took me a little while to get to the surveys!

I need to ask you a question.

I do. I need to ask you a question because (almost) 2 years later I still don't know the proper way to "feel" my anger. Once last year my counselor asked me what I used to do when I was angry, before losing Mike. I told her I didn't know. What did I have to be all that angry about? I've tried several things, maybe more than several things. I don't know what to do to release this anger. All the activities I've tried have been a let down. I've broken glass, but the clean was more tedious than I'd expected. I've beat up pillows, and my bed and that seems so easy. I've written, but lately I don't even feel like it. I'd vent, but I have nothing new to say. I've taken it out on Lily (not too crazy or anything!) by yelling at her for nothing, but that really just makes me feel worse. A couple weeks ago I was shooting with some friends and afterward I didn't feel like I had expected.

What do you do that I haven't done?


What if I have to carry the weight of this all my life?

The Weather

I walked outside today with Lily feeling a little heavy, or a little lazy, or a little of both. I'm struck by the weather and I immediately think, "This is what it was like." The funny thing about that thought is that I don't really remember what it was like outside in those days after we found out Mike was gone. I remember being in the Medder's backyard a lot, so it couldn't have been that cold. I remember the day he came home was the same weekend that Avon Lake had their homecoming football game and dance, how ironic. I remember the day of the funeral the funeral director, Bob, talking with my parents about how I wouldn't be warm enough outside in my dress, and they said they brought a coat. He mentioned that I was already shaking, and I turned around and said "It's not from the weather." I remember shaking a lot, but I don't ever remember being cold. Is it weird that he came back home to the weather that was his favorite. To the season he had missed the most? The first fall he was gone I took pictures of leaves and trees and our porch in the fall and sent them to him so that he could get a little taste. I remember him telling me he appreciated that, but that he'd rather I send pictures of me, ha. Football season was his favorite. Ohio State, the Browns, Avon Lake, and old stories, he loved that sport for all the amazing memories it gave him. Now it was wrapping up his life.

It feels so long ago. This week at dinner I was telling a friend that I remember being 4 months out and knowing of people at the 2 year mark and beyond and thinking I had no clue how I would make it that far. Most days now it all feels like a distant memory. I'm comfortable with how I think and feel now, even though it is so different from what I expected. How did I become comfortable with such an unfamiliar way of life. I couldn't believe it when it was happening, and I can't believe it now looking back. It was a time in my life that I'm still sure should have been a movie, not the real thing.

I will be blunt, ha. I am ultra-sensitive this time of year. I feel like many important people in my life are gone, or in a new, less-reoccurring role, and asking so much of me. On this second year I have found that I need everyone to remember that no matter how far I am from the day that Mike was killed I will always have a difficult time with that anniversary.
Always.
Every single year.

That may be hard to realize, or that may not make sense but it's my truth.