I feel like lately I am say the phrase "I'm learning" or "she's learning" quite a bit. Feels similar to "I'm trying" which I say pretty often as well. I'm like a broken record these days. With the pup we are always trying to teach her something. And by we I mean usually me, which is fine, I knew that when I got her. I'm learning to be a good doggie owner, and she's learning to be a good doggie. She is also teaching me patience. I have non, and training a dog requires patients and understanding. And discipline. I have claimed from the beginning of dog conversations that I am not the disciplinarian. I'm learning, although I don't want to, I want my dog to be well behaved, so I'm learning.
The "I'm trying" is mostly for Mike. I say it quietly, I say it under my breath, I shout it in the car, I speak it in my head- I swear Mike, I'm trying. I know we never discussed this type of situation and so that has made it slightly more difficult but I trust your family and your friends. I reach out to your mom and to Amanda which I am confident you would be happy about. And my friends help me through it too- you knew all of them and I am trying not to become a hermit and go out and see them. I'm trying. I'm trying but I hate it. I hate every single second without you. I feel so lost its insane. I don't think anyone else should ever have to feel this way. But I'm trying baby, I'm trying for you to put one foot in front of the other and get my ass out the door, even if it's to the gym. I just want to make you proud. I hope you don't think I am handling this wrong or in a way that you wouldn't have expected. I hope I get to talk to you soon. I just want to talk. I love you so much.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Monday, December 15, 2008
Note: Deleted Post
Just and FYI, I did delete the post I made the other night about going back to work among many other ramblings. It was a little to honest for me, for everyone. Sometimes I write posts and forget a little about them. I try to be as honest as I can, I want to see if it helps. But that was a little too much.
I miss you so much, baby.
I miss you so much, baby.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Pictures that I love
I need to do a happy post so it will be short and sweet. It will be a montage of sorts of pictures of us, my favorites, so that I remember to look at them, so that I don't ever, even for a second, lose him. I can never lose him he's the love of my life, he's my everything. enjoy!
Best Seats Ever- Thanks Mand!!
Makeout Kiss, haha, I miss them!
Up in Austin the weekend before Mike left for Iraq. Fun times!
+-+Copy.JPG)
We bought my man his Jeep- and he LOVED it!!
In the jeep in July, All windblown!
In the hot July weather we cheered on the Tribe!
Ahh our vacation in Niagara Falls- so glad we were able to do that!
My favorite picture from the weekend in Niagara Falls. I can feel our happiness whenever I look at it.
Passed a kidney stone that morning, and the winery in the afternoon!
Classic- drinking out of the Stetson
Baby we had so great memories. These are things I never want to and never will let myself forget. I thought to myself as I was looking for ones to put up 'for a second I could pretend nothing had changed" but it has. We look so happy in those pictures. I miss feeling that happy, that happy that only you bring to me. I'll see you again and you'll bring me that happy. I love you and I know that we can do this. I'm trying, you're my world. Love you- SLM
Best Seats Ever- Thanks Mand!!
Makeout Kiss, haha, I miss them!
Up in Austin the weekend before Mike left for Iraq. Fun times!
+-+Copy.JPG)
We bought my man his Jeep- and he LOVED it!!
In the jeep in July, All windblown!
In the hot July weather we cheered on the Tribe!
Ahh our vacation in Niagara Falls- so glad we were able to do that!
My favorite picture from the weekend in Niagara Falls. I can feel our happiness whenever I look at it.
Passed a kidney stone that morning, and the winery in the afternoon!
Classic- drinking out of the Stetson
Baby we had so great memories. These are things I never want to and never will let myself forget. I thought to myself as I was looking for ones to put up 'for a second I could pretend nothing had changed" but it has. We look so happy in those pictures. I miss feeling that happy, that happy that only you bring to me. I'll see you again and you'll bring me that happy. I love you and I know that we can do this. I'm trying, you're my world. Love you- SLM
The new Positive in my life
I got a dog- which may be a surprise or may not. I had been talking about it for around 2 or 3 weeks so it was about time to shit or get of the pot, in the way that that's related to the dog of course. So while in Perrysburg with Amanda we visited a Toledo animal shelter and found a 10 month old beagle with big sad puppy dog eyes. She came from a family who adopted her but didn't think she had enough room in their apartment. So far she's been great in the car, she gets nervous by usually just sits down and waits. When I take her out she does her business and she loves to go on walks. The problem is that she hasn't figured out how to tell me that she has to go out. I'm new to being the heavy on this (this would have been Mike!) but I'm trying and she's learning. Overall she has been great. She keeps me going, which is good for me. She needs my attention right now so it moves my thoughts forward. I hope that Mike likes her- I think he would see how much fun she has and just love her at that moment. I know it wouldn't have been his first pick but I wanted to get something I could take care of, and a golden would have grown too big for me I fear. I think Mike can see that and understands. I think he likes Lily and watches me with her to see if I can handle the discipline- his responsibility. Are you proud of me baby? I'm trying. I'm trying so hard to make it work, but i get so overwhelmed and a;ll I want is you. All I want is You. I love you so much. I'm trying to remember "we're on the same page" about everything. Its just that the pages before and after us got a little bit screwed up. I love you so much.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
How do I do this without you?
Michael, I'm don't know how to do this without you. I don't know how to do any of this without you. All I want to do is sleep and take a hot shower and curl up and sleep some more. I don't get hungry anymore, something that is causing my dress pants to stop fitting, along with my jeans. I don't sleep at night by myself, my new little friend Ambien CR carries that burden for me. Sleeping is the closest place I can get to you right now. Sometimes I wake up and think that if I just stay in bed all day (not in the way I would have preferred) I have a million more chances to run across you in my dreams. And I would take a million more chances over none. That is usually my first fight of the day, get.out.of.bed. I've been doing it a lot more lately and I hate it. Money is the motivator, I need to pay for the house that we made because we loved it together and there is no way in hell I could let go of it. So I get up and with my physical body, I get sadness and anxiety and the thought process for what will become of this next 24 hours that I know will feel like they are at least twice that. My second fight of the day- shower, DO IT, shower! I know that sounds nice. Showers used to be my favorite thing to do. And now because of all their associations along with the fact that it means I'm starting the "getting ready for the day" process. I also hate that.
I don't want to do anything. I know that is lazy. I'm lazy. I know I'm crazy. I need my best friend to make this better. I try to talk to you baby, I try but sometimes I can't hear you as well. I need to listen closer. I am so fucking annoyed that this is our future rather than the one we planned, we envisioned, we dreamt it would be. Our way sounds so much better to me. How in the world did we get here? I love you so much. You are my everything, and you always will be. I'm so proud that you picked me to love. Bye,Baby. Talk to you later- Be good!
I don't want to do anything. I know that is lazy. I'm lazy. I know I'm crazy. I need my best friend to make this better. I try to talk to you baby, I try but sometimes I can't hear you as well. I need to listen closer. I am so fucking annoyed that this is our future rather than the one we planned, we envisioned, we dreamt it would be. Our way sounds so much better to me. How in the world did we get here? I love you so much. You are my everything, and you always will be. I'm so proud that you picked me to love. Bye,Baby. Talk to you later- Be good!
Monday, November 24, 2008
2 Months, no thank you
Today is 2 months. He's been gone for 2 months. Oddly enough today is the first day I've spent more than a couple hours by myself. I've been at our house for most of the day, trying to re-organize all of the things that have been piling up. I feel like there were so many things on my "list" that I didn't really make much progress. Everyday I just feel stuck right here.
Baby, I miss you.
Baby, I miss you.
Friday, November 21, 2008
I'd take it...
I stole this from another widow's blog but I found myself in a puddle of tears because it is completely true. Some of them may be harder to understand if you aren't familiar with military life, but you should get the drift.
What I wouldn't give...
1) to smell your stinky self after 2 weeks in the field.
2) to drop everything I am doing in order to take something to you at work that you had forgotten.
3) to have you miss another anniversary because you had staff duty (again).
4) to work hard on a dinner that got cold because someone lost a piece of equipment and no one could go home until it was found.
5) to spend another year alone because you got orders to Anywhere.
7) to clean up the whole house because you were coming home and 5 minutes later, there be TA-50 everywhere because you unpacked.
8) to spend another birthday alone because you are in the field training
9) to wish you Happy Birthday over the phone because you are at NTC and to celebrate it when you got back
10) to vacuum my floors at 3AM because you are not home and I don't want to go to bed alone.
11) To wonder where I am going to put the holiday decorations because all the storage space is full with army gear.
12) to be woken at 2am because one of your soldiers is too drunk to drive himself home.
13) to mow the yard or get the oil changed in the car because you aren't home to do it.
14) to get that 3am call because the unit is on alert or because they are doing drug tests.
15) to listen to you cuss at the phone because your soldiers will not wake up and answer the phone for the alert/ drug test (see #13).
16) to go buy dinner and take it to you while you are on staff duty.
17) to quickly steal a kiss because you are in uniform and it isn't "proper"
18) to tuck my hand in the crook of your arm because we shouldn't hold hands while you are in uniform.
19) to buy equipment that the army issues to you, but you would rather have your own and not use theirs.
20) to have a major appliance break down 1 day after you left for a 2 week training mission
21) to get an LES and see that the army has deducted money that they shouldn't have
22) to have to buy a $70 holster because the unit highly encouraged you to get it.
23) to have my furniture start to fall apart because even the best stuff should only be moved a few times.
24) to go months without any physical contact, until you came home again
25) to walk by the computer every 5 minutes, waiting for an e-mail or IM
26) to have your time away from home extended.
27) to try and explain the army to your family.
28) to have to go through the college application and transfer process again because we had to move again.
29) to be stationed at Fort Riley
30) to not get a bonus for re-enlistment because you didn't meet the requirements
31) to miss your promotion because your commander thought it would be cool to wait and do it while training at another base.
32) to get woken up by your sticky, sweaty body after you decide to jump back in bed after PT
33) to put up with your bad mood because someone tried to screw over your soldiers.
35) to get a roll of film in the mail, have it developed, and it be pictures of latrines, equipment, vehicles, people I don't know, the room you are staying in, when all I wanted was a picture of you.
36) to cry because you are leaving... not because you are never coming home.
Michael, I love you. I would give anything and everything to have you back here with me. I know our love is stronger than this and when I have a bad moment, I know you're here with me, helping me through. My baby.
What I wouldn't give...
1) to smell your stinky self after 2 weeks in the field.
2) to drop everything I am doing in order to take something to you at work that you had forgotten.
3) to have you miss another anniversary because you had staff duty (again).
4) to work hard on a dinner that got cold because someone lost a piece of equipment and no one could go home until it was found.
5) to spend another year alone because you got orders to Anywhere.
7) to clean up the whole house because you were coming home and 5 minutes later, there be TA-50 everywhere because you unpacked.
8) to spend another birthday alone because you are in the field training
9) to wish you Happy Birthday over the phone because you are at NTC and to celebrate it when you got back
10) to vacuum my floors at 3AM because you are not home and I don't want to go to bed alone.
11) To wonder where I am going to put the holiday decorations because all the storage space is full with army gear.
12) to be woken at 2am because one of your soldiers is too drunk to drive himself home.
13) to mow the yard or get the oil changed in the car because you aren't home to do it.
14) to get that 3am call because the unit is on alert or because they are doing drug tests.
15) to listen to you cuss at the phone because your soldiers will not wake up and answer the phone for the alert/ drug test (see #13).
16) to go buy dinner and take it to you while you are on staff duty.
17) to quickly steal a kiss because you are in uniform and it isn't "proper"
18) to tuck my hand in the crook of your arm because we shouldn't hold hands while you are in uniform.
19) to buy equipment that the army issues to you, but you would rather have your own and not use theirs.
20) to have a major appliance break down 1 day after you left for a 2 week training mission
21) to get an LES and see that the army has deducted money that they shouldn't have
22) to have to buy a $70 holster because the unit highly encouraged you to get it.
23) to have my furniture start to fall apart because even the best stuff should only be moved a few times.
24) to go months without any physical contact, until you came home again
25) to walk by the computer every 5 minutes, waiting for an e-mail or IM
26) to have your time away from home extended.
27) to try and explain the army to your family.
28) to have to go through the college application and transfer process again because we had to move again.
29) to be stationed at Fort Riley
30) to not get a bonus for re-enlistment because you didn't meet the requirements
31) to miss your promotion because your commander thought it would be cool to wait and do it while training at another base.
32) to get woken up by your sticky, sweaty body after you decide to jump back in bed after PT
33) to put up with your bad mood because someone tried to screw over your soldiers.
35) to get a roll of film in the mail, have it developed, and it be pictures of latrines, equipment, vehicles, people I don't know, the room you are staying in, when all I wanted was a picture of you.
36) to cry because you are leaving... not because you are never coming home.
Michael, I love you. I would give anything and everything to have you back here with me. I know our love is stronger than this and when I have a bad moment, I know you're here with me, helping me through. My baby.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)