This will be a boring update.

Here is an update of my life :)

1) I have moved. I am now living with Nick in NC. My stuff all arrived last weekend and it is fabulous to have everything here and in one place. I still feel like I'm visiting here but I'm sure at some point it will hit me. I told Nick to hang in there when I do, ha.

2) I will be starting a Community Counseling master's program at Campbell University in May. I have an interview for the program and I have not actually been accepted yet, but hoping there is no problem. I am thoroughly excited to begin taking these classes and see how my future career path will unfold.

3) I got a job today! I haven't worked since the last week of January 2010. A job at the apartment complex we are living in was looking to hire a part-time leasing consultant to help fill capacity. It is a brand new place and they haven't filled the occupancy yet. My boss is very willing to work around my school schedule which is essentially what I would need in a job. We also get a rent discount and I can walk to work! It sounds like a good job for me right now.

Things are good in those 3 big areas of my life and I'm pretty happy about all of them. Thank goodness for a little rest :)

The word "Deserve"

I don't think this word needs to be part of our vocabulary. Point blank. Maybe I'm missing something, but to me deserve means something like if you do this, you get that. In my head it's similar to "entitled" which I also dispise. I just am not sure when people use words like these what they think it means. Just because you did something good does not mean you deserve good things. Or maybe it may mean you deserve them but it doesn't mean that it will happen. I think maybe in the larger sense of the world this thought makes sense. If you commit a severe crime, you deserve time in jail. But most situations are hardly that black and white.

Maybe I don't dislike this word, but I dislike the way people use it.

Let's take a look at the dictionary:
1. to merit, be qualified for, or have a claim to (reward, assistance, punishment, etc.) because of actions, qualities, or situation: to deserve exile; to deserve charity; a theory that deserves consideration.
2. to be worthy of, qualified for, or have a claim to reward, punishment, recompense, etc.: to reward him as he deserves; an idea deserving of study.

Ok so to earn something as a reward. I get that- especially when you're a child. But my problem is that although it makes sense that if your son cleans his room he deserves a piece of candy to encourage him to clean his room, as an adult, no one gives me candy for cleaning anything.

To be qualified for-- ok so I'm qualified for a job, more qualified than you. I have more experience than you, I have a better track record than you, etc. Maybe if they hire you instead of me they can pay you less, so you get hired. Hey! I deserved that job. I was qualified for it. Too freaking bad.

I guess it's an accurate word, I did deserve the job. Your son did deserve the candy. Sometimes it just doesn't matter what you deserve.

Random rant, I know. I just heard it this morning and it hits a nerve with me almost every time.

Advice Needed

Blogger Friends, I need some advice. I know quite a few of you have dogs of your own and I'm searching for a method that I'm comfortable with to curb some of Lily's habits. It's really one habit in particular, the potty. At my condo when I first brought her home 2 years ago she would pee upstairs on the carpet if I left her alone. She'd only pee on carpet and I didn't have much carpet in the house so I started shutting the doors to the 2 bedrooms with carpet when I'd leave her home alone and that solved the problem. Then as I would be gone for longer amounts of time I introduced her to "potty pads" and she would just pee there if I was gone and she'd have to go. She's been staying with my parents for the last 2 weeks While I travel and get this move sorted out. She is alone with their dog all day and pees everyday on their carpet now. She will pee beside a potty pad if you lay one out. Sometimes she even poops. At the new apartment there is about 90% carpet so this habit cannot last! I can get her to a pretty regular schedule, but when were both gone is when there are the most problems.

I'm coming to you for some help. Let me tell you that the way I have "raised" my Lily is mostly through positive reinforcement. I have seen it work on everything I've taught her. I know that there are different ways to train a dog and my parents often make remarks because I choose not to hit her. (not that they are abusive, that's just their discipline style). I cannot wrap my head around hitting my dog because I am frustrated that I can't teach her to do what I want her to do. I can understand in a few very serious situations the need for quick punishment that immediately teaches the lesson. When I walked Lily close to the street and she tried to run around infront of a car, I smacked her butt, to frighten her and make her immediately understand that something about what she did was very bad. I don't want her to run into the street. But smacking her when I see that she's peed on the floor after I come home doesn't cut it with me. I don't see how she'll connect the peeing as bad , especially if she did it hours before I got home.

So I'm looking for other suggestions that may help us work throuh this bad habit. Thanks in advance guys!

Lots of Grey's

Just a quote that hit me hard today as I chilled with some Grey's.

"We all remember the bedtimes stories of our childhoods.

The shoe fits Cinderella.

The frog turns into a prince.

Sleeping beauty is a wakened with a kiss.

Once upon a time and then they lived happily ever after.

Fairytales.

The stuff of dreams.

The problem is fairytales don't come true.

It's the other stories, the ones that begin with dark and stormy nights and end in the unspeakable.

It's the nightmares that always seem to become reality."

Obviously a little depressing, but it struck me and I'm going with it.

Humor in the Moment

Grey's Anatomy tonight was a re-run. It's the one when they have to take care of the victims of a local college shooting. It's particularly difficult for them because of the recent shooting at their hospital and everyone is still processing and dealing with that tragedy. At the end all of the main characters are sitting in the observation room and there is a moment after they realize they didn't lose any of the several gun shot wound victims they had come in that evening. Then they all just start laughing. I love that moment. It's the moment when everyone who has shared a specific traumatic event already knows what the other person is thinking. Sometimes the moments after your adrenaline has run out and you don't have that automatic response anymore, you find it funny. You laugh at strange things.

Is it wrong that those moments always make me think of my widows? :)

I have been in a completely new world in the last week, running around at Nick's new place, meeting people, getting to know the area, helping coordinate my move and all that goes along with that. I have felt the full gamut of emotions while I've been here. Specifically today I found myself trying to play the role new people see when they meet me-- that is, military-girlfriend-who-is-eventually-moving-here-so-it-must-be-pretty-serious-and-we-should-probably-get-her-accustomed-to-the-"military"-lifestyle. Only a few people know my full story, just as I do not know these new people's stories. No one would assume I am the fiance' of a CPT KIA in 2008. I know what's up. When the topic of "my husband had some Causality Assistance Officer training the other day" comes up and everyone talks about how it's depressing and sad but at least now they have an idea about that-- in my head I laugh. I laugh and think, ohhhh you have no idea. You have no idea. Today at lunch with some new ladies, I almost started laughing out loud. I had to stop and check myself, realizing that I was NOT in widow company, and these ladies do not know what I'm thinking.

Sometimes I guess you have to find the humor. Sometimes It's better than getting mad, or crying, or yelling. Sometimes you just hit a demented nerve, a little sensitive in a strange way, and you feel you've earned the right to laugh. I guess sometimes you just need to let it out and a little laughter, I think, is always ok.

A thought on being happy

(Blinks Of Life)


From Eat, Pray Love

"I keep remembering one Of my gurus teachings about happiness. She says that people universally tend to think that happiness is a stroke of luck, something that will maybe descend upon you like fine weather if you're fortunate enough. Buy that's not how happiness works. Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, you strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it, you must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it. If you don't you will leak away your innate contentment. It's easy enough to pray when you're in distress but continuing to pray even when your crisis has passed is like a sealing process, helping your soul hold tight to it's good attainments."

"I'm angry with him"

One of my favorite movies is Pretty Woman. Many of you may know the part I am referring to in the title. There is a scene when Richard Gere and Julia Roberts are in the bathtub and he is talking about how it has taken him a long time to get to the point where he can say those words about his father, "I am angry with him." Every time I recognize something I'm doing either with or without thinking is coming from a place where the fires of fury burn, I think of this scene. Strange, I guess, but usually I take a deep breath, unclench, and think "I am angry with you."

I have written, read, talked and thought a lot about anger. What am I feeling? Who am I feeling it toward? What is the appropriate way to express it? Today with Karen we talked through my feelings that I've been ignoring. My anger with God. I've started to ask a few others who I trust about their feelings, their religious beliefs, their view once their spouse was taken, and I was struck by some of the differences. I think this is a time that I can feel comfortable exploring. That is a strange thing to think about if you have had a close personal relationship with your spirituality and never had to question things. I was very comfortable with what I believed before Mike was killed. Losing him initially caused my relationship with God, my comfort with religion and my belief to grow apart.

One difference that I have noticed is in the matter of trusting God. I often talked with Mike about how we trusted that God would bring him home. We believed that would happen with such strong conviction. When he didn't come home, I didn't know where to turn. I had done what I thought I was supposed to and it didn't work out. I held up my end of the bargain, and God let me down. How do I get that trust back. Several of the women I have discussed this with told me that they didn't necessarily believe that way. (hopefully I am correctly representing my friends here) Many said they hoped and prayed that their loves would come home, but they didn't really trust that God would bring him home safely. They were very real about the possibility that God had a different plan. This is something that has caused me to think, and I love hearing other's opinions.

So anyway, for now, I am angry with him. I struggle with what I believe. I am trying to sort through it.