Ah, yes. Niagara Falls

I've been getting emails from the Niagra Falls Hilton. Mike and I stayed there in July when he was home. It was so freaking fun, ha. They were doing construction so the first night they had to put us in a "construction view" room and since I was a diamond member from all my travels they assured me they would upgrade us to a "fall sview" room the next night if we didn't mind moving. We didn't. And our fall sview was awesome. We viewed both falls and the room was HUGE. It was one of those fabulous moments that is just between us. When we walked into the room, we put our stuff down by the door and just stood there looking around like, "seriously!?" We could have just stayed in that room and had the best vacation ever. We just always had fun. He was my happy. Thank God I took so many pictures those 2 days. At one point it was so humid I had to sit down and collect myself and he just sat right along with me, taking my camera and helping to chronicle our trip, took pictures of me really really warm. Not really the best moment.




I got him back on the phone. I tried anyway.

I miss him.

Night is the worst time

I remember once while Mike was deployed him saying to me, "Night is the worst time, babe?" and I agreed completely. We both said that even though the night sucked we would just go to sleep because it made time go faster. I think about him saying that all the time now. I lay in bed and think, "You're so right, it is the worst." Except now it really doesn't matter if time goes by quickly, or not. I wonder why the night seemed worse to us. Is it the absence of light, or the 23 hours of the day adding up and pulling you down, or laying in bed looking at where he should be, would be. Who knows. It is what is on my mind tonight.

Music

Today is the first day I've listen to music instead of AM radio in the car without crying. That sentence sounds really sad. I have a pretty hard time with music, for some reason. I swear I can make every single song somehow relate to what's happened or how I'm feeling. Today on the way back from my parent's I remembered I had my Ipod in the car. I started thinking that since Mike bought me the Ipod for my birthday in August it was a good idea to listen to the music. Maybe not all of it, but use it for some songs, and maybe get some new ones I can handle. I just listened to my Dave Matthews Band playlist and I made it the whole ride home. It was good to listen to and it reminded me how much I love DMB. Some of the songs were a little sensitive but I guess I was in an ok place, because I kept going. So I guess that is a step in the right direction. It wasn't all music but it was some so... baby steps, right?

I'm going to post some lyrics from one of the songs I have always loved, and continue to be great right now.

I remember thinking
I'll go on forever only knowing
I'll see you again
but I know
the touch of you is so hard to remember
but like that touch I know no other
and for sure we have danced
in the risk of each other
would like to dance
around the world with me
I'll be falling all about my own thing
and I know your the heaviest weight
when your not here that's hung
around my head
and your lips burn wild
thrown from the face of a child
and in your eyes
the seeing of the greatest few
do what you will, always
walk where you like, your steps
do as you please, I'll back you up
I remember thinking
sometimes we walk
sometimes we run away
no matter how fast we are running
somehow we keep
somehow we keep up with each other
I'll be falling all about my own thing
and I know your the heaviest weight
when your not here that's hung
around my head
and your lips burn wild
thrown from the face of a child
and in your eyes
the seeing of the greatest few
do what you will, always
walk where you like, your steps
do as you please, I'll back you up.
~DMB

Follow-up on last weekend

I posted about Matt and Amy coming to visit and I was very nervous/excited to see them. Matt was Mike's roommate in Texas and we all hung out together so much. It was really great to spend time with them. They got here around 2 and we just hung out and talked for a bit. I got my crying out then. Matt was in Iraq with Mike but I have no idea when the last time they talked. They were in completely different locations. We went to the cemetery for a little bit, it was muddy. Then we went to the Medder's and hung out there the rest of the night. I was nice to have them to talk to. I really felt happy to see them.


That same Friday I went to lunch with Adam and Katie. They went to the cemetery without me. I think Adam didn't want to make me do anything I didn't want to. I wouldn't have minded. It was really nice to see them. I started crying when I saw Adam- it's so emotional to me because he introduced us. I'm so glad they are all back. When I start thinking about how that would have been what we were doing- traveling a little, catching up with family, it hits home again. It's just me, me and the Lily Dog. That is really the bittersweet part of their visits.

Lazy Sunday

Lazy Sundays make me think of you too. I can remember you telling me that Sundays would be your favorite day once you were back. We could (possibly) go to church, come home and have lazy days where we just lay around in sweats and watch TV, catching up on "us" time. Lily and I have had a lazy Sunday today. I woke up and took her for a little walk because it is so cold. It was very icy as well and I almost fell. Then I was laughing and did fall, dropped the leash and everything. I was worried Lily would take off but she was so startled by the abrupt fall that she just cowered down and looked at me like "what are you doing on the ground, mom?!" Thank goodness I didn't have to chase after her after that fall. Other than that I've eaten cookies and watched America's Next Top Model re-runs all day. Now that it's 4 I feel like I should be doing something. Due to some advice on the headaches, I have also been drinking some water!

We have friends coming next week. Friday Mike's roommate and his fiancee are coming for a visit. I haven't seen Matt since before they both deployed. They will be staying at our place. It will be very nice to see them but it will be hard too. When I went to Texas to visit we would all hang out, watch movies, or go to Austin together. I am pretty sure that once they are here it will be fine. Thinking about it makes me excited and nervous.

Adam and Katie are also coming at some point in the next week or so. They are leaving Texas and driving to Columbus. They want to come up for a day and go see mike, possibly meet his family, and hang out for a little bit. As part of the back story- they introduced us. Katie is one of my best friends from high school and when I went to visit her and her then-fiancee, Adam, in Texas they had invited Mike over on a whim for dinner along with another couple. We (obviously) hit it off well so we definitely thank them for the accidental introduction!

So it should be an interesting week/weekend. I love you so much, Michael.

Headache. Cheesecake. Both cars in the garage.

Just to warn you, there is no point to this post. I have been having these headaches. It's almost everyday. It dulls and it gets more severe but it's so annoying! I take advil, or excedrine(?). I take naps, take my allergy meds. I'm not sure what is the cause of this issue but hopefully I can figure it out and get it taken care of soon.

On another note, I love cheesecake. It is so delicious and I think I could eat it every single day! Good way to gain some weight I guess. It's just a little thing, but it gives me some smiles!

Lastly, I am able to put both cars in the garage. This is so very exciting for me. It happened 2 days ago and I'm still thrilled everytime I get home. My liberty is now my parent's, which worked out better than I could have expected (yay!) and I am able to pull my work car right up next to the wrangler. I look over and pretend that we'll both be enjoying that guy... It will get some good use anyway.

Today.

I have a hard time figuring out the "hardest part." If people asked, "What's the hardest part of this whole thing?" I don't have the slightest clue where I would begin. It depends on the day. Sometimes it's thinking about where we would be if today he were here, if the deployment just continued as planned and Mike came home and our life was finally closer to what we considered "normal." Sometimes it's thinking about him on that day. Or the uncertainty I have over what he is experiencing now, what he sees, what he feels, whatever. Sometimes it's missing more than anything the moments and things that were just between us. Today it's everyone else moving on. Not that anyone is supposed to not move on. It is weird to me how much I feel everyone else moving on, continuing what started, while I'm holding on so tightly. It really doesn't matter, at the end of the day, how hard I try to grip the past, because time just keeps going. Today that's the cruel part. Today that is what I feel.