My Weekend in Photographs

This weekend Nick sent flowers to my work since I started off Friday in a bit of a slump, then we celebrated St. Patrick's Day with a few beers, and a 13th birthday with a cake. Lily was also due for a nail trimming... and as you can see, I cut a little too low. Her paw bled for a while, so we bandaged it, which she hated. Then I tried to bandage and put a sock on-- at one point she had panty-hose on it. It was a little debacle. Nick decided that we would use liquid bandaid (read: superglue). It stopped the bleeding and she rested with dad. Ahhh the weekend... Hope you all had a good one!

Journey off these fabulous pills...

Fully Disclosure in this Post :)

I mentioned before the Cymbalta reduction and elimination plan. (Have I called it by it's name? Cymbalta is the antidepressant I've been taking.) This week wasn't a great one. Basically I am at a point where there isn't really a smaller dose so the plan was to take it every other day. I am feeling more dizzy on the days that I don't take it and I really don't like that feeling, so 2 days ago I basically said, "Let's do it." and dove into no-more-pill land. I have not felt good by any means, but I am trying to keep in mind that it's in my mind, ha. It's just a matter of time.

I have said to Nick so many times the last few days, "I don't know, but I am extremely sad/angry." I was feeling extremely discouraged as of the yesterday and today. I went searching online, however I know that people online will post whatever and cannot be THE ONLY source of information. I have found a few sites with comments from people that have really helped.

Here are parts of posts I found that I identified with:

"Then the terrible irribility set in to the point where I almost started a fight with my boss. A few times I cried at work which is something I never do. Thank God I got to the ladies room in time. In the last few weeks I have been fighting extreme exhaustion, fatigue, and weakness. I feel like I'm walking around in a brain fog."

The irritability has been horrible for me. Yesterday when I was getting ready to go to dinner, I wanted to SCREAM at Nick because he was done getting ready and I was not. Makes a lot of sense, huh?

"The anger takes over so much and I feel like I am going crazy and am going to explode. It has affected my concentration at work. I'm a very level headed person and a logical thinker, so I know that something is not quite right and these feelings of craziness and anger are very unpleasant."

Very unpleasant indeed, even if I'm not the most rational person I've ever met.

"I also like that in your previous post you realize the mood dip is temporary, and a side effect of getting off the drug, and not just your old problem coming back. So important to realize that. I'm experiencing a bit of mood dip right now and it is really hard to realize it is the withdrawal and not the original problem coming back."

That part was very helpful to find. It reminded me- don't worry Stacey, your life isn't spiraling downhill and it won't feel like this forever. Things will be ok.

Then I found this one and I bookmarked it- I hope it will help!

"Here are some of the ways I've been working through the withdrawal of Cymbalta.

Saint Johns Wart 900mg twice a day
Started taking this for mood enhancement with some success, I will not know the full effect until the Cymbalta has left the building


Water: at least 2 liters a day
All my life doctors have told me to drink more water, and my response was sure okay (In my head I thought I hate WATER). But what the Doctor did not say was why I needed to drink water. It is such a simple thing. ASK yourself, has a doctor actually ever told you why you NEED to drink the water?
In my quest for the knowledge of Natural ways to feel better I read a book called "Your Bodies many cries for WATER" by some doctor (If you reaaly want to know who he is I'll tell you) and what an eye opener!!!
Let me put this is the simplest terms: Your body is made of water, if you do not replinish the water level DAILY, your body does not like!
On come the cries for water, as in, the body not functioning properly.


FOOD: Protein, Fiber and less Sugar.
Cmybalta literally stole my appetite. So my body did what it had to, Stored all the FAT. Yes I gained 50 lbs on cymbalta even though I ate almost nothing. So Healthy Food is one Natural way to feel better. (oh and stay off scales, go by clothes and how they fit. REALLY want to feel better, trick that brain and throw on a pair of jeans that are one size to big and walk around all day feeling SKINNY!!)
Okay, so I'm now making myself eat at the same time everyday; 3 Squares and 2 snacks. After about a week of force feeding myself, my body realized it was not being starved and I actually wanted to eat when meal time came.


Laugh
I use the comedy channel on Sat. radio each morning while taking my son to school (It's and hour and a half round trip). I laugh at stupid things and it makes me smile. I don't think about anything but what is being said.


Exercise- 20 mins. 3-4 x a week
MOVE. That's it. You move it or loose it."

All of these posts came from the forums at cymbaltawithdrawl.com

Ok, now a few things from me. Yes, I hate how I feel. But yes, I feel that being on (or increasing) the antidepressant when Mike was killed was the right thing to do. My doctor was absolutely amazing and very caring. She recommended many things to do to deal with the loss, the medication being only one step. Many people are not lucky enough to have this type of health care professional and I am beyond thankful I did, as I would have probably taken anything at all at that point.

No I do not think the pharmaceutical industry is the devil, nor do I think antidepressants or even Cymbalta are the devil. These medications are necessary for mental health. My criticism lies in the ease of prescribing these medications, the length of prescription (Did I tell you I started a low dose of Cymbalta in 2002 when I went to college to deal with anxiety...10 years later here we are). These drugs alter you're mental chemistry so YES they are going to send you for a loop when you take that away. It's not easy, but for many, many people I think other options should be presented before using the medication as a crutch. It's to easy to write a prescription and get the the person out of your office. It's to easy to ask for a pill to take and that be the only thing you have to do to make yourself feel better. It's a low-respsonsibility solution that should not be used as frequently as it is. (Clearly, this is my opinion).

I think there needs to be more emphasis on what happens when you try to get off of the medication. I just remember getting on it, moving doctor to doctor and staying on it. The reason I wanted to start thinking about getting off of it in the first place is in preparation to start a family. No doctor said to me- hey wait it's been quite a while. Maybe we should evaluate this. However I've been in 3 states in one year so its been a variety of doctors and easy to slip under the radar. Anyway, I'll step off my pedestal now. :)

Please don't take this as a research article, because I've been to maybe 3 websites today. But I do plan to keep investigating more resources to bring back my happy as my brain chemicals try to get themselves together.

I Home-Freaking-Made this Dinner!

I usually plan our weekly meals from one of 2 places, Pinterest or my favorite cookbook from my cousins for my bridal shower. Last week (which happened to overflow into this week because we had so many left-overs) was a Pinterest week.

This one, Spinach Mushroom and Pesto Lasagna, took a lot of effort, and was my second lasagna ever home-making, but I was DANG proud of myself for this one.

(that's not mine.)

The receipe and original blog it came from are linked below. I had fun learning to make this one. the Mr. asked repeatedly if I could add some meat, even maybe the ground, frozen, buffalo burgers we had would suffice. I told him no.

I didn't homemake the pesto this time, but other than that and the noodles, it was fully homemade lasagna and it was pretty delicious!


It's a fantastic no-meat meal, probably great for Lenten Fridays. Also, it's really easy to make it ahead and freeze! Find the original reciepe and all the info from The Other Side of 50

Even Nick loved it :)

Weekend in Pictures

I am a serial Iphone photo and I am going to put this obsession to use! Enjoy last weekend in pictures!

Satisfaction

This morning I can't stop thinking about this picture. I would like to feel this way every day.

Morning Hugs, Music & Plants

These are today's happy things. I love music, and I haven't had a new music in a while. Downloaded an album (ya, I'm so cool I call it an "album") this morning at work to accompany some of my paperwork and organizing I needed to get done. I fell head over heals for The Civil Wars. Listen to my favorite one so far below. I literally (really- literally) get goosebumps when I listen to it because it just freaking strikes something in me.

Dance Me to the End of Love

The Civil Wars

Dance me to your beauty like a burning violin
Dance me through the panic 'til I'm gathered safely in
Lift me like an olive branch and be my homeward dove
And dance me to the end of love
Please Dance me to the end of love

Let me see your beauty when the witnesses are gone
Let me feel you moving like they do in Babylon
Show me slowly what I only know the limits of
And dance me to the end of love
Please Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to the wedding now

Dance me on and on

Dance me very tenderly

And dance me very long
We're both of us beneath our love
We're both of us above
And dance me to the end of love
Won't you dance me to the end of love

Next, we have my little sprouts. This morning I looked at my little mary-gold plants and they have sprouts! Last time I looked there was only one, now there are many! I can't wait till there are actually flowers :)

Lastly, and probably bestly, I woke up this morning after a crappy nights sleep to my husband's hugs and encouraging words. I was groggy, as I normally am, but I told him that I didn't sleep that well. As I just stood there he wrapped his arms around me and said, "I'm sorry baby. Take a nice warm shower and we'll get some coffee in you. You'll feel better then." He was warm and clean-smelling and confident. Sometimes I can't get enough of him. Those were perfect words for me in my barely awake state. Thanks to that lovely man I started the day off on the right foot.

Mission: Real Happiness

It is no secret that I think too long and too much about very simple things. Lately, Happiness has been one of them. In the grand scheme of things I am happy with where I am. Somehow thought I can't deny that I haven't been feeling the happiness on a daily basis. Now listen, I completely acknowledge that there is nothing crazy going on in my life right now. I know sometimes you need to have perspective and realize that complaining about little things is dumb. But I have found myself doing a lot of this lately. And often I find myself wondering why I don't have a happy outlook.

Project Renovate! I am a positive reinforcement type of person so in that vein I am going to be blogging (at least weekly) about things happening now that are making me happy. Things I am noticing and appreciating, or things that I do to turn around my mood, in the hopes that I will be able to see how many things are making me happy, and begin to appreciate them.

Also, as a full disclosure side note, I have recently begun the transition from consistent anti-depressant taker to non-antidepressant taker. I have no shame in telling you that I have been on my chosen anti-dep for quite a while. I began in college after my nagging back and leg pain was dubbed “there’s nothing wrong with her let’s call it fibromyalgia”. I also had a lot of anxiety and often an upset stomach. When I began with the anti-deps I noticed how nice it was to be able to go places and do things without always worrying about being sick. When Mike was killed, my amazing physician suggested upping my dosage, along with other things, to help me cope. I wasn’t in much of a position to fight back. Fast forward and I’m still plugging along, never really finding the right time to try to get off of them. But alas, I am in as stable a place as ever, and I think I can properly cope without them now. YAY! I tell you this because I have noticed being all over the map emotionally as I step down the anti-deps, and finding and acknowledging happy things may be a good tool for me in my (hopefully) anti-depressant-free future J

I will start today.

Getting ready this morning made me happy, even if getting out of bed early to do it did not. Feeling put together for work, having my hair clean and done, and not feeling too big for my clothes all day has put me in a generally good place.

Reading a new blog I found this weekend that focuses on how a wife appreciates her husband every single day has made me happy, and reflective. Her writing style is pretty awesome, and as I read just through the “letters” section I was fully captured and enjoying every minute. (find it here!)

Knowing I made a plan for myself this evening to indulge in some continuing education for my future counseling career makes me excited to go home and NOT just lay on the couch. My job right now may be just to help us save up while were in KS but having something on my schedule that I actually have a passion for and can do to make money in the future has helped keep me going today.

Please feel free to share your happiness tricks with me :)