The Power of being a Parent

If you're a mom you may already know this and experience it from time to time, but this time of the year it seems like I am constantly tearing up. I find myself overcome with emotion and gratitude that this little boy is ours, that we get to spend our days with him, and that he is strong and healthy and happy. Tonight K-man was exhausted and nodding off as he was eating. He hasn't done this since he was probably 2 or 3 months old. After I gave up trying to wake him and encourage him to eat, I just held him and his little sleeping body for about 15 minutes. I remember when he was small enough to perch on my shoulder and let him sleep, and now he spans my lap. His chubby cheeks make my heart swell.

I simply cannot believe that we have been entrusted with this little soul. It has been so much fun watching him learn, showing him he's loved, and seeing life through his eyes, and he's only been here a little less than 9 months. When he reaches for me I immediately want to hold him, whether I'm tired or angry or sick or whatever. He wants me. He trusts me to make it better, and {for now} I can. I can bounce, sing the ABC's, and hold him tight and that will cure pretty much anything that is ailing him. That power is not lost on me, and I know I won't have it forever. Someday some really unfair things will happen to him and I won't be able to fix it. But in these silent nights with him asleep on my lap, I promise him to fix what I can, and love him through all the rest- completely and utterly unconditionally. What else can I do? I pray that that will be enough.

To Killian on Your 6 Month Birthday

 

My Little LoveBug,

Wow, you've been out of my belly and on this earth for 6 whole months! How does it feel?? You're getting this whole "life" thing down, my dear. Sure, you're not perfect, none of us are, but you get the eat, sleep, play, smile, bathe, enjoy-the-day activities and we have a really good time now. 

You have completely changed our lives. And there is no way we could ever thank the Lord enough for making you ours and trusting us to care of you. Sure, I'm your mom and I'll be teaching you stuff your whole life. But you've taught me more in the last six months than I ever expected.

You give me the opportunity to practice patience and deep breaths. I really did not expect to know what I was doing, and I was right; I had no idea. You were quite a fussy little newborn and constant crying tests my patience, being unable to solve your problems tests my patience, willing you to sleep from outside your room tests my patience. Deep breaths, often right in the middle of the storm, help to remind me that this will pass. {What an amazing life lesson you are teaching me!} It reminds me to keep on with what I believe because I know you, and I know me, and we will figure this it. You will stop crying/fall asleep/be ok.

I'm learning from you how difficult it is to do what is both hard and necessary. I'm the mom who would rather rock you to sleep every time than hear you cry for even 5 minutes. I won't apologize for that. But I do need to remember that sometimes you have to learn things on your own so that you can grow into an awesome, healthy, strong young boy. This concept is harder than I imagined, and I know it's only the beginning. Sometimes I may have to hurt you to help you, and I'm sorry about that. I will always try to do what I believe is right for you, even when it's hard. 

You bring out a fierce love in me. I have never in my life loved a being as much as I love you. That's just a fact. It's all consuming. It's scary and worrisome. It's challenging and rewarding and amazing. We made you. You grew inside me and you came from me. It's so much love that it's overwhelming sometimes. In the future, when you are annoyed, irritated, embarrassed, or frustrated with me, just remember that love. That's where whatever I'm doing is coming from. 

I loved your Dad before you were here, obviously. Having you here these last 6 months has changed that love in so many ways. Hearing you two "chat" and seeing how big you smile when you realize he's home from work make days full of tears completely worth it. My love and respect have grown ten-fold for your Dad since you arrived. He's learning just like I am and he's doing a really great job. 

So thanks for being here, my little one. Thanks for being happy, for all the giggles and hugs and finger holds. I can't wait to see how you keep changing and growing in the next 6 months. Don't worry about going so fast though, ok?! I love you.

Love,

Mommy 

I was a really good mom this week.

Mom friends do you ever say this to yourself? It's funny to even type. On the heals of an article my friend posted, I have been thinking a lot about how I talk to myself as a mom. I truly thought that even though motherhood would be stressful and difficult, I would be made for this job. I haven't actually felt that to be true in the way I imagined. 

I've been trying to really use some positive self talk to get myself in a more positive place. "I was a really great mom this week." It was a tough week because Nick was away for 4 days and that always stresses me out and makes me nervous. Lucky it was just 4 days. We had a lot of tears and whines, and the little man's teeth are raising H-E- double hockey sticks, but I was there to comfort him, snuggle him, bounce him, and when it was necessary, give him tylenol. We also had a lot of smiles, some awesome giggly-giggles, fun at bath time, we enjoyed a little gym class, went to the children's museum, practiced standing and sitting up, sang our ABCs, and even got some big smiles at the dreaded tummy time. 

Those of you who are mommies, do you feel good at your job? Will that ever be true? Did you have to manage your expectations with reality? This is what I'm working with right now. 

Sometimes I Feel Invisible

I'm going to be a transparent mom today (well obviously I'm transparent, I blog about our life ha!) There are a lot of days that I feel pretty invisible. Today at a mother's group meeting we played around with making necklaces. I made one that had some clear beads (Killian's birthstone is a diamond) and some blue beads (because he's a boy), and then another section with a ruby colored bead and a feather (because ruby is Nick's birthstone) and then I proudly put it on to see what I thought. If we forget that it's homemade ;) it doesn't look half bad, but you know what I left out? Myself. It seemed interesting that I didn't think to put some of my birthstone on there. There I am, invisible to myself too. 

Our lives with a little one are pretty hectic and having only a few friends in the area doesn't help. I suppose I just get lost in it all sometimes. We go about our day, Nick at work, and me trying to keep K alive and happy. Sometimes it's a good day, sometimes it's a less than ideal day, and many times it feels like Groundhog Day.  Killian's smiles and the laughs he laughs just for me remind me that I'm not invisible. I may be in the trenches, but I'm valuable and necessary to him, and that is worth it all. I've said it before but I'm astonished at how hard mommy-ing can be, and also how amazing it can be.

I hate you, September

I felt the weight of this month bearing down on me today. It's amazing to me how in one minute you can be happy and carefree and then just a few minutes later some little trigger can have you transported back 6 (holy crap!) years and reliving every detail. Do any of you do this? I have this automatic video-reel type experience where I relive it all over again. The day I found out. The day he came home. The memorial services. The funeral. It seems-- it was-- so long ago, but very quickly it can seem like yesterday. And we just keep walking forward through these days. Head on through what we know is coming. We just keep walking because it doesn't get worse. It gets rough, but it doesn't get worse than those days.  

Do you know how incredibly guilty I feel when I get stuck down the rabbit hole? Being stuck reliving those days takes so much energy. That's energy I should be giving to my beautiful baby boy. I'm so very blessed to have what I have when I never thought I'd get there. To be able to live the life I dreamed of, just a regular life, is such a privilege. I don't know how to convey my true gratitude for it. So September is a balancing act that I have yet to master.  P

Sometimes the Laundry doesn't get done.

Me to Nick as he got ready for work: "You don't have any clean socks, do you? My bad."

Nick: "Probably not. But you're raising our son. I can wear dirty socks." :)

As a new mom, I am trying to give myself time to master the art of truly raising a child and taking care of the home. Now, that doesn't seem all that hard right? Or at least it never did to me until now. Raising a kid is no joke! And even though I've only been at it 4 months, I can tell you there are so many things I've learned in that short time. He is my priority, and often demands that he be my only responsibility throughout the day. I try to remind myself he won't be this little for long, so it's completely ok to spend the day playing and snuggling and bouncing (lots of bouncing!) and dancing with him. The vaccuming can wait. The dishes can wait. The laundry can wait. When it starts to bury us, then we can tag-team and tackle it. Me and my main squeeze can get very overwhelmed by the "house stuff" piling up. We are learning to prioritize, and to let go. Thanks for the life lessons, Killian. 

Also, can I quickly say I have legitamately NO IDEA how my mom did it. She wrangled 2 kids (not only wrangled, but taught us stuff!), one dog, kept our house cleaner and more well-kept than a magazine, and made nutritious meals every single day. I'm lucky if Killian changed clothes, the dogs ate breakfast, and we had scrambled eggs for dinner ;) Love ya, Mom! 

Take Me Back

Friends

And Family

We had a wonderful, packed-full trip back to my homeland. It was full of firsts for Killian; first airplane ride, hotel stay, and first meetings with family and friends. I love being there but traveling with a little one is rough, so it's nice to be back home. 

I spent some time reflecting and praying this morning. {Side note- prayer seems absolutely necessary since having this little one, if only to thank God for his safe arrival and his presence in our lives.} In this time this morning I found myself in tears about the distance between me and my friends and family. Sure, since we were just back there the leaving is fresh and so is the sadness. I spend my days recording poopy diapers and soothing temperatures from vaccines, and I just wish some of that could be done with a friend by my side. 

So I miss you all. I loved seeing you. I can't wait until we're back again {for good? Ha}.

Three generations of men I love. 

On The Night You Were Born

So a lot has changed but rather than a round up of all of it, I'm just going to jump right in! We had a baby boy in April! Wowza! Here's the story of his birth:

On the afternoon of March 31 around 3pm I decided to take a nap. Lily and I curled up on the couch and Jory found a comfy spot on the rug. At about 4:50pm I woke up suddenly to a "whoosh" followed by fluids. I sloshed to the closest bathroom, sat down, and looked at everything that was soaked and wondered what the heck was happening. I was 33 weeks and 5 days. I called Nick, who had left that morning for a week-long business trip to Ohio.  I explained to him what happened, he tried to calm me down. I decided to try my doctor's office before they closed. The nurse told me to head to labor and delivery and get checked out.  I called the one couple of friends we have here (because we moved to a new state about a month earlier) and they came over to pick me up.  I was surprised that I felt absolutely fine, just that fluid kept coming. I expected to feel contractions, but I didn't.

Our friends drove me to the hospital. Once I got out of the car at the hospital another large woosh convinced me that I was probably not going home. Our friends offered to stay the night with me, but I promised I'd be ok. Nick was able to I get the earliest flight out of Cleveland and was at the hospital by 9:30 am the next day.

That night, I definitely freaked out that I was alone. I talked to Nick a lot and had the most fantastic nurse who took care of me, Bev. I hardly slept but felt mostly fine, just uncomfortable. I was having contractions but I didn't feel any of them. Because I was having contractions they wouldn't feed me, but they gave me some jello and water. Nick called my Mom and Dad and explained what was happening. Every time we had to tell someone about it, we had to make sure they knew it wasn't an April fools joke.  I called Mom and Dad too to make sure they knew I was fine, but they were still worried.

The next morning my doctor came to check on me. We talked about how I was feeling, and what the plan should be. I was 33 weeks and 6 days so her plan was to let my body go and see what it was trying to do. My contractions weren't hurting, and they weren't regular, so she thought I could make it a day or two. Everyone was worried about the baby's lungs. So the plan was wait it out, and start pitocin Thursday if necessary. After discussing that she wanted to check me. I was 4cm! So she said things may pick up, since that was a lot more than anyone was expecting.

As soon as nick arrived I felt a million times better. He sat down beside me and apologized up and down for not being home. He cried. We cried. And we regrouped and we were together.  Mom and Dad got there shortly after Nick. No one would feed me since I was close to active labor.  I labored all day with contractions I could feel but not badly, hoping my body would pick up. Everyone was waiting for me to be in pain, then they would know I was progressing. It's a weird feeling waiting for pain. It stalled out a bit and my Mom and Dad went home to our place around 6pm.

At about 9pm I was starting to feel more pain, but I was also so tired, so hungry, and so exhausted at the thought of doing this for 2 more days. I was most comfortable sitting up or on the edge of the bed. (Oh that hospital bed was not comfortable). When I would sit up, the baby's heart rate would drop. He was not tolerating the contractions well at that angle. I was so uncomfortable. Around midnight Nick had a serious talk with me about getting an epidural. The pain was definitely there, but manageable, but I was so afraid I would have to do this for another 24 hours. He rationalized that and epidural would get me some rest for the night and that I was not in any shape to deliver a baby without some rest. I was not thrilled with the prospect of an epidural, and I was also extremely afraid of something in my spine. But I was exhausted and shaking and I had to do something.

My awesome nurse Ronia calmed me down a bit and tried to check me before the epidural. My doctor came back to see how I was, checked and said I as a little over 4cm. She said we'd start some pitocin since I was getting the epidural and maybe get the show on the road. The anesthesiologist explained everything to me and was so good at putting in the epidural. It was so, so much easier than I expected!! I was thrilled once it was in and so relived. I had to lay flat for 10 min after the epidural. Then things got crazy! As I was laying down my blood pressure dropped and Killian's heart rate disappeared, so the 6 nurses in my room started to move me from one side to another, gave me an oxygen mask, told me to relax and take deep breaths (ha!). I had no idea what was going on, but Ronia came back to the room and said the doctor thought we should have an emergency C section because Killian was not tolerating the contractions or the epidural. Nick and I said ok, and I was actually very relieved to get the babe out and safe. Nick called Mom and Dad, and then put on the scrubs.  My doctor came in and just wanted to check me one last time. After all that quick commotion, I was 10cm. She then said something like this to me, "Lets just do this! I know you don't know me very well, and for a first time mom this isn't going to be easy, but the baby is small, and I think you can deliver him. He isn't going to tolerate pushing well so we only have about 20 minutes. I will tell you what to do. If we can't get him out then well do the c section. What do you think? Do you want to try?" Thank God for her. So we got ready.

Suddenly I was pushing, with no idea what I was doing. I couldn't feel a thing. Nick was super helpful. Holding your breath and pushing for 10 whole seconds is a really long time. I didn't think I was doing anything. Nick was the one telling me I was doing it. Then we were close, I was trying hard but not sure I was pushing the right way. Then she delivered him, with the words "whoa tight fit!" Killian was 6lbs 1oz.

He cried right away, which brought us so much relief. Nick went over to see him with the people from the NICU. They let me see him quickly and hold him for a couple minutes. We took the first (and worst) family picture ever. Then they went to the NICU and Nick went with them. Then I was just in a daze of what had all happened. Once I settled a bit, I was working on my epidural wearing off so that I could go see him.

He kept us on our toes the entire time, changing his mind, being finicky, and making his own rules. He was worth every single second and more. I love him beyond words.

Me proving to Nick I was in the hospital that night. 

The first time I held my son.

Killian John, born April 2, 2014 at 4:36am.

The worst family picture ever ;)

Love in the New Year

Nick and I get very excited to celebrate our wedding anniversary.  Last year we spent it sharing the evening with some of the best friends, who we've actually shared NYE with for every New Year since we met :) We missed them this year! This year was a little different- no alcohol for me and bebe so it was a little more calm, but still happy. We usually reminisce with stories from our wedding like, "Oh, at this time you guys were getting to the church and my girls wouldn't let me look out the window to see you,"  And, "Remember when we cut the cake and had no idea which part to cut into? Did we even eat any cake…?" And, "All. That. Jameson."

This year, we were able to travel to Georgia to celebrate another beginning of the year wedding, and see some of our Army friends.  It was such a nice weekend! Easy travel (thank goodness!), fun stories, and a beautiful bride and groom!! It was fitting to start off the year of my personal focus on LOVE with a wedding.  Love of two people starting a life, love of friends we haven't seen in a while, just love everywhere.

2014 in One Word

Happy New Year Friends! Are you excited about the year 2014? A chance to refresh, start over, begin a new year and push that reset button. It's a pretty cleansing feeling if you can embrace it right? Do you guys do New Years resolutions? I love the idea of self-improvement, but with our long list of changes coming in 2014 it seems overwhelming to add more goals on top. We have some big things coming this year. We are moving in February, welcome a new baby in May, and trying to settle in in a completely new place. I'll be working to finish my master's degree, and building my business with Rodan + Fields, and Nick will be adjusting to his new role in the company and working hard to grow he accounts he has. So a New Years resolution wasn't something I was really going to do this year.

Have you heard of One Word 365?  It's a nice way to take on the new year and focus on one word that affects all parts of your life. You're word for the year. I like the idea of only one world, and as I was thinking about it my word came straight to me. Check out he community at the link above!

My word for 2014 is LOVE.  I will spend this year approaching all things with love.  This will help me let go of negativity in my relationships, spend oodles of time loving on our new addition, be kind and warm and only focus on LOVE. This will help my relationship with my husband grow stronger in year 3, as well as strengthen friendships and relationships with family. We could all use a little more LOVE, right? I think so :) What's your word? Remember to hashtag your words, and your blogs, and your tweets, etc. #oneword365

Really Great Friends

You know what is awesome about really great friends? That they do awesome things.  I have been thinking about my circle of really amazing people a lot lately. We've moved a lot. (A LOT).  Friends who have stuck around through that (or that we met through those moves!) have been around a while, and they just mean the wold to me.  I am so thankful that they have time and energy to put into our friendship even when life is crazy and there seems like there isn't much time or energy left.  Really great friends are simply really great.



Last weekend I also had a pretty awesome few days! One of my nearest and dearest, my maid of honor (because she hates the word matron- and I don't blame her) Jenny got a little surprise.  After careful preparation and coordination, a couple of her friends drove to visit for the weekend and planned a Saturday full of girl time with lunch, a little shower of baby and mommy presents, and pedicures.  It has been a while since I saw Jenny (in real life) and I don't know that I've ever surprise-visited anyone so it was really fun! She is super close to being due with baby #2 and between that and being mommy to the most adorable and personality-filled little 2 year old, life get's crazy.  Her darling husband coordinated everything thanks to the magic of facebook and definitely wins husband of the year!  By the way, if that weren't enough, he also cooked us delicious apple cinnamon pancakes and made chicken tacos for dinner- you rock!

I just love this family, and I cannot wait for them to welcome their newest member at the end of the month.  I wish them moments of somewhat-quietness, and as much rest as possible before #2 makes his/her arrival!

Of course Target has the coolest Baby stuff- so we ended up with duplicates, but they are different sizes :)

Just a note that these pictures are compliments of Jenny's cousin.  This is why I always usually take pictures of my own, but somehow this weekend was too fun for me to remember to do that.

The Biggest Birthday Celebration

No, not my birthday celebration, my Dad's!  We had probably one of the best birthday celebrations last weekend than we have in a while.  As far as family birthdays of, usually a few presents and a meal out are about th extent of the celebrations.  This year we went big for dad's day. We'd actually been thinking about it for about a year, but our timing was off so we sat on it.  I think it was my brother's idea but Nick and I jumped on board immediately.  Tickets to a Cleveland Browns game and the whole fun experience = Happy birthday to Dad!

You see we grew up watching dad cheer (or curse) the browns games every Sunday.  I vaguely remember going to a game in the bitter cold back in '96 which was one of the last games they had before the team was moved to Baltimore.  That was a long time ago, and I'm not sure dad's been back since!

Mom and dad came up to Cleveland the day of the game and we went to tailgate nice and early, around 9. We had so much fun tailgating, and then the seats for the game were spectacular!! Not to mention the weather was outstanding and WE WON!! It was an awesome game and an awesome day!  I love that Matt was able to come home and we were able to do his as a Family!

The Lesson of Patience

I think that our life has been an exercise in patience lately. An exercise- meaning an ongoing practice. We meet obstacles, make decisions, meet new obstacles, grumble with frustration, and come to a place of content waiting.  Seriously, that pattern over and over and over lately, maybe with some more grumbles, a few fights, several angry runs and some deep breaths.  We are stuck in a place where we have a few balls up in the air, and a few things we'd like to change, but we cannot do anything about any of them at the moment.  Waiting for others to do their part, or for time to pass, or the chips to fall where they may before we can move forward (or possibly backward I guess) at all.

It is a lesson I am now convinced we need to learn due to how difficult it is for us. We are working on it.  I rush through things, chores or checks on my to-do list, and don't reach the result I want.  Then, in time, I get there.  These last couple weeks I am continuously reminded that sometimes things are in place and you have to send them out there in the world and be patient as the stars align.  I came across the above quote somewhere in the social media world and thought it was perfect. I am used to saying "it's and exercise in patience" but then thinking whether or not I have patience doesn't affect what is happening, it affects how I feel.  Ahh a good attitude while waiting...

The experience is refining us for our future. If we spend so much time waiting, I absolutely do not have the energy to spend that time upset, frustrated and beating my head against the wall.  Somedays, I will fail.  But I get a new day to try again, and I will take this opportunity to count my blessings and hone in my skills for patience.

Guinness Cupcakes with Baileys Irish Creme Icing

We celebrated my husband's birthday last week.  Interestingly enough the week before that I had to ask him if we were turning 28 or 29... when exactly do you stop remembering how old you are!? Anyway, after he reminded me that we were 28 and turning 29 I was ready to plan a celebration.  With the move and all the hoopla, we decided on practical gifts this year.  For his birthday (and because we need one) he picked out a grill.  It's a pretty nice grill, too! 

Breaking in the Grill

His birthday was on a weekday, which was not the most fun, but I made him a delicious dinner and set out to make a "surprise birthday dessert"- Guinness Cupcakes with Baileys Icing!  He loves Guinness so I knew he'd want to try these. I found a bunch of pictures of these cupcakes on Pinterest but couldn't find the actual link.  Eventually I did find a recipe on the interweb, but I adapted it to what I thought would fit him a little better.  Feel free to play around with the ingredients too :)

Ingredients for Cupcakes:
2 sticks of unsalted butter
1 cup Guinness (I used almost one whole bottle because I wanted to be able to taste it)
3/4 cup cocoa powder
2 cups flour
2 cups sugar
1 1/2 tsb baking soda
1/4 tsp salt
2 eggs
3/4 cup sour cream
1 tsp vanilla

- Melt butter on medium heat, then mix in Guinness
- Add cocoa powder, whisk, and let cool slightly
- Mix together flour, sugar, baking soda and salt
- Beat eggs and sour cream until mixed, add vanilla
- Add Guinness mixture to egg mixture
- Add flower mixture to Guinness and egg mixture
- Pour batter into cupcake pan, about 3/4 full

Bake on 350 for 15-17 min. Makes 20-24 cupcakes 

Then we waited for them to bake...

 Bailey's Icing:

- Mix one container cream cheese frosting with enough baileys to taste. You can google to find a recipe from scratch, but this was my short cut- and Nick commented on how he liked the taste. 

Ready to Eat!

A Few Little Changes

You guys. Ok it's been forever. I'm sorry. We have been so very busy that I hardly have time to think! Ok we moved, hubby's on terminal leave, he started a FANTSTIC new job. We've been blessed that our career transition from the Army to the civilian world has been seamless and the new job is rewarding and challenging and great! Moving back to my home state has been rainy, but good. We are in nice company with family and friends, and fellow sports fans. 

Our living situation has been rough. Quite honestly, I'm so tired of being wrapped up in the millions of little (and big) crappy things that I can't waste more energy on it. So if something was going to be difficult I'd rather it be the house that we rent than the job that we moved here for. 

We got a new puppy! After weeks of practicing his sales skills on me, I caved and welcomed the most adorable little boy yellow lab into the family. He's growing very quickly, and is ALL puppy. Biting and barking and peeing everywhere, ha. Lily took a few days to warm up to him; he's a bit of a pest to her.  I told her that's how little brothers are supposed to be- I have one too! But I wouldn't trade him for anything in the whole wide world (my little brother and hers!).  The first day they actually played together I quietly and discretely did a cheer! I do love the little Jory, and Lily is learning to be a great big sister. 

Now that things are settling down I hope to be back. Summer's halfway over and I hope to have more amazing adventures to report. 

I appreciate Me.

Driving through Kansas State University's campus a few weeks ago, in sunshiny whether, I was annoyed at all those college kids.  I noticed how they'd just step of the street in front of a car, how they wore way to short of shorts, and how young they all seemed.  It's been 7 years since I graduated college. SEVEN?! WHOA.

But you know what, I think I decided today that I am happy I'm not college-aged anymore.

On a quest to be a more authentic version of myself, I've tried to become comfortable with who I am, what I am, all of me, right now, in this exact moment.  Even though we are all working to be better versions of ourselves, I want to be happy in my shoes, now.  That's all I get for certain, and it makes for a more happy life.  This morning in yoga I set the intention to just appreciate me.  No negative self-talk.  I initially meant this just as "in yoga" like when I use a block for a side angle pose and wish I was as strong as the girl I'm facing because she's not using a block and also looks amazing in those yoga pants.  I tried to just say "great job with that chair pose, you kicked its ass!" and "nice job coming to practice today, you will definitely benefit mentally and physically. I'm proud of you."

I'll tie this together, let me get there.

Tonight I shared drinks and stories with some of my friends I hadn't seen in a while.  Since I'm leaving soon we're trying to soak it all in now.  After some food, we decided to wander through Aggieville (think downtown college area with bars and shops) and shopped a little bit.  I tried on clothes that were cute and summery and also maybe a bit to young for me.  I felt bloated from mexican, and awkward in the smallest clothes on the universe. (seriously, they are made for elves.)  I felt old, and fat, and not the same as I was 7 years ago.  I felt a little down on myself.

Then I thought about my earlier intention. You know what?  I'm not 21.  I've got a few years and a few hundred million more experiences on me than I did 7 years ago.  But I am damn proud of who I am right now, and all of those crazy, happy, horrible, sad, thrilling, lovely experiences.

Maybe we should all make lists of things we are proud of ourselves for.  Here are some of mine.

• I have an honest, true, deeply loving relationship with one of the best men in the entire world.  I get to call him my husband. We had a kick-ass wedding filled with love, laugher, drinks, fun, great music, and the most outstanding family and friends who traveled far and wide on a holiday to celebrate with us. 

• I own a dog, (at one point all on my own) and she is one freaking awesome dog. 

• I have 2 homes in my (our) possession. And yes, it's a pain we have them and don't live in them, but how fortunate to have 2 roofs to be over our heads, should we need them.
• I love my family. 

• I've jumped out of an airplane.

• I lost the love of my life. And I hated it. I was dragged kicking and screaming back into life. I didn't die. 
• I've made some of the very best friends in people I only knew online for a while.

• I have run a 10 mile race in DC in honor of an amazing man.  Twice.

• I have run countless 5K and other races, all of them with my teammate by my side.
• I have moved 4 times in the past 2 years.  I'm pretty good at it now.
• I started my own business.
• I was able to provide support to 2 of my closest friends as they welcomed the most beautiful baby boy. 

• I have gone back to school to pursue a dream I didn't even know I had 7 years ago.
• I reached my original "goal career" 2 or so years after college. 
• Earned my own Spurs.

• 
  
  
  
• I can travel with the best of them.
• My music taste is so. much. better. 
• I swam with dolphins.
• I've conquered my migraines (it's an ongoing process). 
• I'm a yogi :)

So ya, I'm not 100lbs, wearing short skirts and running through the snow to mad jacks (read: college bar, no longer there). But I'm ok with that. College was awesome, and some of the friends I made there are unmatched- I wouldn't trade them for the world.  But I really like where I'm at.  Friday night blogging at 8:30pm. :)

I'm definitely fine with this.

I appreciate me.

Hrvatin Heritage and Happiness

Grandma and Grandpa's Wedding Day

I was home a couple weeks ago for my grandmother's funeral.  After being in the nursing home for about 8 years, it was her time to go home.  Although we miss her dearly, we know that her life was lived to the fullest possible extent and now she is reunited with my grandpa.  They have to be overjoyed to be back together again!  He passed about 2 years ago, and since then it has seemed unnatural for them to be apart.

In the few days we spent looking through photographs and recounting memories, I came away full to the brim with happiness and love.  So many pictures of my dad when he was younger, and our whole family, reminded me that life is good.  As my aunt and I tried to recap memories of grandma to the pastor who would be doing her funeral service, the themes I noticed in my grandmother's life were laughter, love, and happiness.  Could there be a better legacy?  To know that even in times where they didn't have a lot of money, or the nicest car, or a brand new TV, their days were filled with happiness.  People remember her laughter and so many of her sayings.  I remember my grandparents house as the most fun place to spend time, with a front porch swing, and a tree we could climb in the front.  I remember being happy there and feeling loved there, always.

They didn't have everything, but they knew happiness.  It is so easy to get caught up in the irrelevant details of life.  It's quite a mental shift to realize that happiness is not wrapped up in material things.  That seems to get away from me in the hustle and bustle of everyday life.  So many people are searching for the secret to happiness.  Simplify and love and you will live a happy life.  That's what I learned from these memories.

So in weeks like this one, where I begin to feel sad and afraid for the way our world is shaping up, I remember that foundation.  The love and happiness that surround me from family and friends.  I suppose even in times of anger and distress, if you have those people around you, everything will be ok.

The only time my dad was ever chubby.

Baby Ron

Typical Easter Picture.  Look at that pout! Ha!

My Father on his first job post-college.

Grandpa and my Dad fixing a car.  This is one of my favorites!

Grandpa in uniform

My Grandfather's "Enlisted Man's Pass" From the Army Air Corps

Grandpa carried mail for 30+ years, always with a smile. 

Most of the pictures of Grandma were on display, but I was able to take home some of the pictures of my dad and my grandfather.