Life is full of crazy moments, ups and downs and mixed up plans. My life changed in September 2008 when my fiancé was killed in Iraq. Nothing like what I planned, I continued forward. Support from friends and family, as well as my inner strength kept me moving. Now married and raising a pup, I am taking life one moment at a time, living in the present, and working to be happier every day.
Struggling with these headaches has made me super negative and a grump for people (mostly Nick) to deal with on a daily basis. I was trying and trying to turn my mood around this morning and I couldn't do it. This is why it is so valuable for me to get out around people! I came into work early, deciding not to make a stop at McDonald's, and my coworkers lifted me right back up! It's so nice when people restore your faith in people :)
Here's what they showed me this morning:
- Shared some amazing Coldstone Creamery coffee creamer for my morning coffee
- Showed some empathy and changed our weekly requirements, making today much more stress free.
The happiness of life is made up of minute fractions—the little soon-forgotten charities of a kiss, a smile, a kind look, a heartfelt compliment in the disguise of a playful raillery, and the countless other infinitesimals of pleasurable thought and genial feeling. ~ Samuel Taylor Coleridge
I lost my ability to gauge the conversation today. You know what I mean? Someone at work started talking about rank, so I was talking about Nick and his rank, etc. For those of you in this situation, do you do this? I truly have no problem talking about Mike and who he was and things that happened. Sometimes, I think, to a fault. I went full speed ahead in this story, switching from Nick to Mike and back. Then the person I was talking to asked one simple question, "Do you mind if I ask, did you get a folded flag?" Broke my filter WIDE OPEN and I kept talking and talking about the flag, and how his parents got a flag, and where he was buried, and why, and the funeral, etc. At one point my co-worker said, "Um I don't want to really talk about this." followed by a casual, awkward "ha. ha." Snapped me back, a little too late.
I kinda feel bad if I made that person uncomfortable. I am always willing to tell people who don't know about what happens, what happens. It changes opinions and perspectives. However, I may have been a bit too willing.
Working on trying to keep myself in check the rest of the day!
I have been noticing the little black demon of depression creeping in lately. I read nothing about this, but I almost feel like once you experience a depression, you are so susceptible to it returning. Now I know what it feels like and I tend to freak a bit when I find myself in some familiar thinking patterns. Lately I've been suffering more than normal from headaches. I finally went to the doctor after a tough one that lasted several days and we discussed my history. (It's always such a process to discuss my "history" with a new doctor). He mentioned that it's not to surprising that I would have more headaches brought on by tension as my body is fresh off the antidepressant and may be learning to deal with the levels of stress. My neck and head muscles are crazy tight, so we just have to work with that and recognize I've been completely off for about 2 months, after being on for something like 9-10 years. Ya, that puts it into perspective.
Regardless, while I had this headache I didn't workout. It ended up being about 7 days that I didn't do more than take a short walk with Lily, if that. That's when it was really creeping in. One morning I texted Nick that I was so angry and so scared that I would have to go back. Like the rock he is, he reminded me to take a few breaths, get through the day, be patient and know it will all be fine. I think not working out, not getting those feel good chemicals, definitely had an impact on my mental state.
I found this article today at dualfit.com and it's right along those lines. I've never actually known that there are 4 chemicals released by your CNS that help you feel better. I love the end when it tells you you you don't have to wait to reap the benefits- you'll feel them as soon as you start. Just wanted to share with you- even if you don't want to, it may help your spirits a bit!
Nick recently had some training that hit a little close to home for us. We talked a lot during those two days and tried to keep each other in a "now" state of mind. I asked him if he would be open to writing a blog post for you all, just about his training and how he felt. I think it might be interesting to hear from his point of view. Below is his post, enjoy!
The Army
sucks at establishing priorities! I am
preparing to take command of a troop of soldiers and so the Army requires me to
take a myriad of classes in preparation.
There are tidbits of great information, some good and a lot of repeated,
convoluted and useless information. This
week I was sent to the casualty notification (CNO) and casualty assistance
officer (CAO) course. This is a two day
course that covers, as the name implies, how to notify the families of
casualties of the death of their loved one, and how to assist the family with
all the important tasks in the months thereafter. We were sent so that as commanders we would
understand the process and also it is our unit’s turn for this very solemn
duty.
I was
deployed with Stacey’s previous fiancé.
In fact, I served under Mike while he was an executive officer and
acting commanding officer for about a month.
I knew Mike, but not well. I
wouldn’t even say I had the privilege of calling him a friend. I remember the night that Mike was killed. I was filling out a report on a computer in
the troop command post. The computer was
in the same room where we monitored the radios.
All of a sudden someone called in a contact report (which means they had
come under attack). As the details
unfolded we realized Mike had been very close to the explosion and was
seriously injured. I ran out to get the
other three platoon leaders, the guys who could call Mike a friend, and told
them that he had been hit. I remember
looking up at the stars that night and thinking of Mike’s fiancé and how this
would change her life. Mike was battling
for his life at that moment, but I knew either way that across the world Stacey
would either be receiving a call or a car would be pulling up to her door with
the terrible news. The next day a car
pulled up to Stacey’s door.
As I sat in
class this past Wednesday it was very different than the other classes I have
taken. This one was personal, and it was
difficult. Everything we spoke about
brought thoughts of this difficult time in my wife’s life. Stacey and I texted back and forth during our
breaks, as we often do, and she reminded me that she is happy now and
everything is ok. That helped. During our texts I got the idea that maybe
Stacey could come in and share her story, and from her experience what helped
her and what the Army did that she did not like. Like most things in the Army, training is
very structured and usually with a lot of PowerPoint slides. As I said at the beginning, we also go
through a lot of classes. So it is very
easy for soldiers to just want to check the block on training and move on to
the next item on their list. This
training was too important! I remember a
widow friend of Stacey’s who we got to spend some time with, Jayme. Jayme had an awful experience with her
CAO. Her experience was so bad that she
has done graduate work on how the Army trains our CNOs and CAOs. I thought that this was an opportunity to show
at least my class of twenty-five soldiers that these are real people and that
if we have to perform this duty we are changing their lives forever.
Stacey agreed and we scheduled a time
for her to come in the next morning. She
did an awesome job! I am so proud to
have her as my wife. I took away a great
deal from this course. I learned about
the process and through reflection and conversation with Stacey I learned about
the non-tangible aspects of the process, the emotions involved, what goes
through the head of someone hearing the terrible news, the things that are
difficult to put on a PowerPoint slide.
I believe that Stacey was able to pass some of that on to the other
soldiers in my class and it is my hope that if they are called to do this duty
they will be able to do it with the reverence and honor that is required. Our unit’s roster has been turned in to do
our duty. I hope I don’t receive a call
to do it, but if I do I will be ready.
It's week sixteen over on a blog I've recently become very fond of- Inspired RD. (Take a min and stop by!) Today I am linking up to enjoy participating in Thankful Thursdays. One day out of the week to consciously recognize things in my everyday life that I am thankful for but often glaze over- sounds great!
After reading that, this beginning might not make sense, but bare with me.
Crappy days are no fun.
Sometimes, it's one thing after another. One small crappy thing happens and then down the hill you roll, right up until you get into bed and drift off to sleep.
Sometimes, like today, it's just a general blah feeling that lasts throughout the day, ebbing and flowing, and then when you're almost finished ---BAM right in the face. Crappy-ness.
On my drive home from work I reminded myself repeatedly that my current work can and should be left at work. I won't let it take any more of my time. Deep breaths and happiness at being able to let go! So I reached for the iPhone and tried to find just the right song to take the crappy-ness away. There we find what I'm thankful for this Thursday- great, fantastic, exactly-what-you-need music! Thank you, Music! This one worked for me tonight... enjoy!
Also, I'm always thankful for my amazing husband. On days like today, when we both ended the work day a little crappy, we give each other time to vent and we both, mostly, completely understand each other's gripe and end up still solidly on the same page. I love him!
I found a great article on one of my breaks today- wanted to share.
"The best we can offer is to help people learn how to manage anxiety themselves, with medicine being one of many choices. The body is a complex evolutionary machine, and it has developed a number of ways to keep itself healthy without external aid. Why not tap into the potential for healing that the body already has?"
These last few weeks, they've been rough. I feel like I'm spewing out negative every where I turn. I'm focusing on it. I'm mashing it around and around in my brain. I'm becoming consumed by it. It is not fun. I don't like where we are right now and I don't think that's a secret. Our apartment is small, my job is not fun and it's a job I am working purely for some extra income. I do not feel invested in the job. I miss my friends and I don't have many out here. I'm feeling like my clothes don't fit, and while I don't entertain worries of becoming morbidly obese, it really sucks when you put on one pair of pants after another that do not fit. I'm trying to run again but its such a love hate relationship I very often do not enjoy it, I enjoy that it's done. All of these stupid, dumb, trivial things are keeping me mentally circling the drain.
So there it is- blahhhhhhhhhhhhs of negativity. And I'd like to be done now. DONE! I'm tired of drowning in it. I'm tired of pulling Nick into it. I'm sick of being lost in this muddy, dank, pond of crap. So I'm letting it go.
Nick and were talking about how to be happy in the now. I've been thinking about it a lot. Trying to let go. Stopping the negative thoughts that swirl through my brain and take so much energy because they just don't matter. They don't deserve the energy I give them. Who cares what people say unless its something I say or something Nick says? I know that I have heard these words before, but I am starting to comprehend and take them in and understand what it means to stop, and let go. This is what I'm working on.
